Category Archives for Understanding Men

What Men Want – 3 Things Every Man Wants From A Woman

You ever find yourself talking to a girlfriend – and you just throw your hands up in the air, saying:

“Geez, what is it with these guys… What do men want from us?”

I’ll bet that’s probably happened more times than you want to admit.

Here’s a little secret you’d never guess: Men ask the same thing, too!

What I’m going to reveal to you here are 3 things that every guy wants from a woman, but probably doesn’t know how to tell you. To be brutally honest, he might not even think about telling you this because he assumes you’d already know.

Or maybe you SHOULD know.

You see, guys assume that you already know this stuff. Just like most women assume that guys should already know what YOU want.

But that’s the trick – and it’s the number one problem between men and women today:

– Women assume that men are simply women that are misbehaving.

– Men assume that women are just being women, and we don’t expect you to be like us. We’ve accepted the Mystery Of Women, and leave it at that.

There will be a lot of women who aren’t cool with that, but will eventually realize that it’s often very true. There isn’t widespread acceptance among women that guys just plain “think differently.”

Women have been scientifically shown to have a pre-disposition to something called The Fallacy of ME.

Here’s what this little interesting psychological illusion does to our thinking:

Each person is immersed in their own point of view. We see through the lens of our needs and desires.

We also do NOT always relate well to the needs and desires of others when they differ. “Why can’t they be more like me?” this tiny chunk of our mind says.

After all, it’s clear that what I experience must be the same thing other people experience.

But it’s really not at all.

We all have an independent, and often different take on things. We have different belief systems, that were created by growing up with different parents, a different environment, and different experiences.

And we also usually assume that a different gender wouldn’t think that much differently that us, right?

Women will then talk to other women to clarify this, and discover – shockingly – that all women seem to have very similar needs. And usually similar *complaints* about guys.

So that means there MUST be something wrong with them, right?

After all, 4 Billion women can’t all be wrong.

And a woman’s needs seem so rational and obvious on the surface.

Some things women want but can’t seem to get are:

– Get him to desire a committed relationship

– Get him to talk about his feelings (is it really that hard?)

– Get him to work on the “relationship” as much as you do

– Get him to talk about whatever he’s thinking… after all, I do it all the time. It’s so easy…!

– Get him to clean up around the house. And if he doesn’t, asking him a few dozen times should do the trick…

Men can’t be THAT much different than women, after all. And all the stuff you want is so logically… RIGHT. I mean, how could he NOT want these things?

Well, rather than try to explain this from the perspective of a woman’s needs (I already covered this completely in my Connection Code program, by the way…), I want to open up a guy’s skull and show you what’s really rattling around in there.

No, we’re not going to do any yucky exploratory surgery – just some revelations from the Mind of Men…

Here are 3 things men want from women, that you probably didn’t know about. And please keep in mind that if you say, “Huh? Why would he want THAT?” – keep in mind that he often says that about *your* needs, too.

Let’s jump in, and count ’em down:

#3 Thing Men Want From Every Woman: Talk To Me Like A Man

No, I don’t mean make crude fart jokes and use our lingo… We’d actually find that kinda gross and weird if you did.

What “Talk Like A Man” means is that you need to understand that men do not communicate the same way women do.

Very often, a woman’s dialogue has a lot of extra detail – emotional and random thought details – that he simply doesn’t need to hear to process the situation.

For example: When you talk to a girlfriend, she’s taking in all the details you can give her to recreate the emotional situation in her mind.

She’s taking in all your random observations, your random thoughts, and she’s creating a “simulator” of you in her head.

This is one of the most miraculous and wondrous abilities a woman has.

She has more of what they call “mirror neurons” that allow you to actually step into another person’s shoes and experience them from the inside out.

Guys don’t do this.

We look at the situation from an objective angle, make a few calculations, and come up with a judgment on the situation – complete with a plan of action.

That’s why men hear women just trying to explain something (a woman’s way of connecting) – and they offer a solution. Which makes you think he didn’t hear you at all.

He really did, he’s just taking a male approach to it.

So recognize that a man’s patience for talking is very limited. And the more emotions that this conversation asks him to experience, the more exhausting he will find it.

If you can save the emotional tangents and keep your talk as “straight-to-the-point” as possible, the more likely you will be to keep his attention.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to relate to all your detail – he just CAN’T.

And asking him to do what your girlfriends do is a recipe for disaster.

If you do want to just vent about something that happened to you at work today, and none of your girlfriends are around, just preface your conversation with him by letting him know it’s “just a vent.”

He’ll know how to handle it that way.

Next up:

#2 Thing Men Want From Every Woman: Remember that men want to be respected and admired MORE than they want to be loved.

Most women value being loved as their single most important need. Love and connection tops the list of almost every woman’s list.

But here’s the craziest thing you ever hear, and it will probably blow your mind…

Love and connection is not what he wants most.

He wants to be respected and admired more. That’s how a man feels “loved.”

It’s more important for him to feel that he’s appreciated for what he does for you – or even for the family.

Now, if you didn’t know this fact, you could make a LOT of mistakes with him.

By assuming that he wants love, and you communicate that feeling to him all the time because it’s your primary need… well that could leave him feeling empty and distant.

There’s that Fallacy of Me again. We all assume the other person must want what we want, so we give them what we want in the hopes of getting it back.

And when we don’t, we scratch our heads and wonder why.

Have you ever thought, “Geez, I’m giving him everything he could want… and he still keeps pulling away!”

What we don’t often do is to step back and think about if that is what the other person REALLY wants. We just assumed they did based on what we need in a relationship.

Again, a man needs love in a specific “language” for him to feel like he’s really connected to you. And that language is respect and admiration.

If you look around today, you’ll see that there’s not much of it out there for men. In fact, being a man is almost punishable in many ways.

So keep in mind that if he feels like you really respect who he is as a man, and that you admire him for qualities that he thinks others overlook, you’ve got an express train into his heart.

Which leads me to:

The #1 Thing Men Want From Every Woman: Know how to get close to his heart – and how NOT to

As I’ve pointed out so far, most women are very attuned to their own needs in a relationship, and often make the mistake of thinking that it must be the same for men.

(Again the Fallacy of Me… it just keeps coming up.)

You have to know how to get close to a man – and it’s not the way you see on television or in the movies.

In fact, most movies devote very little time to explaining how that works at all. You might have noticed.

Instead, they spend an hour showing what a complete fool this guy is before he wises up and is motivated by her beauty and charm to change into a respectable gentleman. And THAT transformation is shown to be the reason she falls for him.

Hey, it makes for a fun romp, a cute little story. Do you think that’s the way it works in real life, however?

It lacks any real attention to the part that matters – the chemistry and the passion-building.

Movies and television play up the sexual tension (“they can’t be together – but they MUST!”), while ignoring the reality that it’s not just who you are that attracts a person. They also need to know how you fit their life and their needs.

Real life attraction between two people is actually a very predictable pattern that you can recreate at will.

EXAMPLE: If love was a roadmap, there are many different ways to get to the destination. But if you don’t know which way is the shortest, you run the risk of another savvy woman getting there first – and stealing your man away from you.

If you just blindly pick a route without knowing what those road conditions are, you could run into a dead end – or worse – LOST.

There are road hazards, and detours…

Okay, I’m done with my clever road metaphor. You get my point, right?

You can subscribe to the fantasy of movies and television – and books… or you can find out how real life connection and love is built.

If you’re interested in getting a detailed copy of this “roadmap” to a man’s heart, I suggest you get the whole story now, instead of waiting for another “road hazard” to take you by surprise.

Men are pretty uncomplicated when it comes right down to it. But you’d never know it if you listened to many of the would-be self-help authors out there.

Luckily, there is a path you can follow to success. And it’s written by the best kind of authority on guys: A man.

Do you know how to connect with him? REALLY connect with him so that all he thinks about all day long is how to get with you?

Then you need to watch this new video: https://www.datingadviceguru.com/connectioncodev

The Real Reason Men Are Cheap

I haven’t posted a question from my readers in a while, so here’s a good one I had fun answering. You just might find yourself in the same situation as her – check it out:

Hey, Carlos…

I just started dating a guy who has been showing a lot of great attributes and interest (very communicative/consistent).

The first time we went out he was very gung-Ho but I wasn’t sure how I felt, so I offered to split the check. Usually a guy will say he’s got it, but he let me pay my part. It didn’t bother me too much because I didn’t really know if I was even seriously interested.

I knew he’d been on vacation the week before (when we started communication), and he told me he’d spent three times more than he’d anticipated (bachelor party weekend with the boys in the Keys). He said he needed a few weeks to recoup but wanted to take me out to a nice restaurant next time we went out.

I went to visit him a couple of weeks later (we live two hours apart- although I know he should’ve come my way and he was arranging that, I decided I didn’t want him on my turf yet and I wanted to observe him in his environment, friends, etc) and he took me out and paid for dinner and drinks and then more drinks later on that night.

At this point we’d been communicating daily with him always initiating texts and calls for a total of three weeks and where he shared a lot of personal information about himself and wanting to get to know me so I felt comfortable with him. We ended up messing around (big surprise).

Next day he took me to brunch and when the bill came he said out loud “wow, $40” (turn off), so I offered to split it.

My question is this: Is this a really bad sign or is there something I say or how do I handle it to make it clear that while he’s courting me he should handle it?

I don’t care how much money a guy has, but it’s a turn off if they’re cheap. Maybe it got messed up because I slept with him. Making mental notes for next time and I’d appreciate your perspective.

– Marcie

______________________

CARLOS ANSWERS:

Well, this is surely a hot topic when it comes to men, women, and dating.

Here’s how I feel about “The Bill” thing. (And I’m not talking about Clinton, either.)

If a guy asks you out, he pays.

You can counter offer to pay your part (that’s polite), but he would insist, and then you give in.

That’s “the dance.”

Now, on that note, he kinda failed on the first date. Not taking the check on the first date is a major gaffe.

Especially if he was gung-ho and organized the whole thing.

Later, he did the right thing, and probably realized he needed to, when he took you out and treated you to dinner.

But here’s the thing to keep in mind:

The modern media, along with rabid propaganda, have confused men completely on this topic.

Unless a guy had a dad as straightforward and clear on this topic as I did (very unlikely), it’s more likely that he’s not going to know what he’s supposed to do.

Think about all the mixed and confusing messages in the media about “enabled and empowered women.”

Yes, women are equal and have careers and all that, and SHOULD. But most guys are confused by the ‘inspirational‘ messages directed at women in magazines and movies.

They’re wondering:

– Do we pay?

– Would it offend her “liberated” sensibilities if I do?

– If she offers, what does that mean?

It’s crazy, and I don’t envy guys today in this situation. It kinda sucks.

I wish every guy everywhere in the world could be told that simple rule:

You ask, you pay. She counters, you insist.

Done Deal.

Women also need to understand the men’s side of this, too.

We men feel like we’ve got a floating bubble over our head with our income on it, and those dollar signs are all that women are looking for.

Yeah, a party weekend in the keys is going to hurt a little for a guy. So it probably will sting a little, which is why he had that unfortunate outburst.

(SIDE NOTE: On my first Valentine’s Day with my wife, Jen, we went to Acqua – a restaurant in San Francisco that specializes in V-day dinners. When the bill came, it was over $600, and somehow I managed to stifle (most of) my surprise. To this day, Jen and I joke that I’ve already paid for 10 years of V-day dinners.)

Yeah, he might have a bit of a cheap streak. If that’s a deal-killer for you, save yourself the effort right now and stop seeing him.

However, if you think the benefits outweigh the downside, then accept this quality of his (instead of scheming to fix it later) and just go forward.

Because you realize that no man is perfect… right?

Look, women need to realize that most guys ARE cheap. It’s our nature.

Here’s the kicker: so are most women.

So unless he’s a trust fund kid with millions to fund his champagne nights at clubs (and the rehab bill for when he develops a problem), he probably just grew up doing his best to make ends meet.

We’re just doing our best in this crappy economy to squeak out a living – like everyone else.

Women are – by far – the bargain hunters and the discount seekers.

You’re smart like that. Who wants to pay full price?

It’s just that when a guy feels like he’s a stock that’s being evaluated on a date instead of a human being that wants to be seen for his heart and soul instead of his bank balance, well – that makes him a bit more sensitive.

Especially when he’s further burdened by the expectation of paying the bill for something that could leave him high and dry.

Meaning: coming out with nothing at the end of it except a peck on the cheek and a “you’re so sweet.” Never to see her again.

So it’s a real act of faith for a guy to invest in a date with a woman when he isn’t entire sure she digs him.

We don’t need sex on the first date (and most guys actually DON’T want it, by the way. We know that it sabotages an actual relationship most of the time.)

We just want to know where we stand, the same as you do.

A date for a woman has a lot of expectations, too. Sure.

She’s gotta doll herself up and smile and be charming and listen to his boring stories and…

Sigh…

Okay, so what’s the point of this whole thing?

We BOTH have it crappy because of all this posturing and putting up fronts and expectations, and so on.

It would be a TON more easy if we could just talk about these things with the other person instead of having to go to our friends for opinions, or write Carlos at www.datingadviceguru.com. (Sorry, shameless plug there.)

So what do we do about this…?

First, cut him some more slack, and see how it goes. Maybe keep your eyes peeled for unacceptable cheap-ness.

But realize that in his heart of hearts, he doesn’t want to be cheap. He’s just doing his best to meet everyone’s expectations, trying to win over a woman while making a living.

And maybe his communication and consistency you mentioned outweigh his budget consciousness.

After all, which is going to ensure greater long-term relationship success for you two?

Just some food for thought… 😉

Yours in Perfect Passion,

Carlos Cavallo

3 Reasons Why Men Check Out Other Women

Have you ever been pissed off when your guy’s eye starts wandering in the direction of other girls?

Maybe you’re having a nice dinner at a posh restaurant and his gaze shifts towards the svelte blonde waitress serving you drinks. You pretend not to notice, but he’s staring a bit too hard (read: laser-focused) at her for your comfort.

So you either give him an earful about it on the drive home, or bottle it up inside because you’d rather not rock the boat.

In any case though, you’re NOT happy about it.

You’re wondering, “Why the hell does he have to stare at other women anyway? Am I NOT enough for him??”

Well, yeah, he IS enough for you – even if he picks up an attractive lady in his peripherals.

And you might not want to hear this, but he does, indeed, think of other women in a SEXUAL way.

Believe it or not however, this ISN’T a threat to your relationship.

Before you switch off your computer and proceed to kick your guy’s butt for what I just told you, hear me out first.

So, let’s get into it – WHY does a guy look at other girls?

Drum roll, please…

Reason Why He Looks At Other Women#1: It’s The Fuel To His Motor

While a guy’s sex drive kicks in like a knee-jerk reaction, it doesn’t have any bearing on your own attractiveness at all.

He’s perfectly happy with you and it’s just the natural way a guy’s brain is PROGRAMMED.

Here’s something to chew on: the male instinct to appreciate female beauty is the same source of energy that propels him to accomplish other things outside of a romantic relationship, like his career, hobbies and other passions in life.

Plus, his sex drive is linked to that instinct to protect, nurture and defend his loved ones, especially the woman in his life (that means you).

In other words, this driving force is a GOOD thing for everyone.

Reason He Checks Out Other Women #2: It’s The Basis of All Romantic Relationships

Think about this: even today, men are usually the ones who do the pursuing and start the relationship.

As I said with the male sex drive, this is a natural instinct he has, and it’s there for a good reason.

Being driven to approach women stems from the biological need to pass his genes to the next generation and ensure his genetic line will go on.

And a guy doesn’t get in a relationship with you just so he can “hang out with you.”

That’s NOT to say that spending time together and having shared life experiences isn’t a VITAL part of the arrangement, but sexual chemistry in an undeniable part of the equation.

Otherwise, what you have is just companionship, and that’s not what thousands of years of evolution is all about.

Why a Guy Looks at Other Ladies Reason #3: It’s Just Fantasy, Nothing More

Just because a guy in a committed relationship has R-rated thoughts about a woman wearing a fetching dress who happens to walk by, it doesn’t mean he’s making plans to drop you like a live grenade and start hitting on said lady.

In fact, in MOST cases (like %99.99999 of the time), it doesn’t mean a damn thing – and won’t do anything about it.

His brain might have played a fictional scenario of getting frisky with her, but that’s as far as it will go.

Since we’re being honest here, you have to admit that women ALSO have sexual fantasies about men – including guys who AREN’T their significant others.

(Unless of course, I’m wrong about that and the women who watched ‘Magic Mike’ were somehow able to deny every drop of emotion they had while the dancers bumped and grinded on-screen.)

Kidding aside, it’s PERFECTLY NATURAL to have those things when faced with the right kind of…visual stimuli.

And we’ve all had those weird, far-out thoughts before, but MOST of the time, we NEVER act on them. They’re just random brain farts that don’t mean much unless there’s action involved.

You suddenly don’t turn into a thief just because you’re in a nice jewelry store and thought, “Man, what if I could stop time and swipe those pair of diamond earrings?”

Or maybe your guy’s being really annoying or acting like an oaf, and you just wanted to give him a good smack on the head. You don’t actually do it, but thinking about it doesn’t make you a crazy, violent man-hater.

And when your guy might have a stray thought or two about another woman, it’s not a reflection of his character or who he is as a person.

More importantly, that shouldn’t make you see men as machines with a mindless need for sexual release with the first person they see.

He still thinks you’re hot, desirable and all that in spite of what may go through his mind every now and then.

Abstract thoughts don’t weigh as much compared to the concrete stuff a person regularly DOES in a relationship. I remember a line from a Batman flick where he says, “It’s what I do that defines me.”

I have to agree with ol’ Bats on that one because your guy’s actions are the ultimate basis of gauging the REAL state of your relationship.

That said, jumping to conclusions based on the things that may or may not be going through his head could just end up making your fears come true.

I recommend you unburden yourself of the what-ifs in his heads – and in YOURS.

So at the end of the day, you’re better off not being so judgmental when the matter of looking-at-other-women-and-having-thoughts-about-them comes up with your guy down the road.

Understand that while a guy might have a fleeting moment where he’s not at his best, it doesn’t mean he’s out to undermine your relationship. Creating a “punishing environment” for him will make him more defensive when stuff like this comes up.

While you’re at it, avoid acting threatened or giving in to the temptation of putting down other girls. The more that you keep your cool in the presence of another woman, the more it actually keeps him from doing the things that bother you.

In fact, it’s MORE attractive to a guy when his partner is perfectly fine living her life with or without him, let alone looking at other girls.

It’s a woman’s self-assured attitude that gets a guy in line and keeps him on his toes. In his mind, he’s like, “I better not screw this up, or I might LOSE her…”

Aside from the occasional weasel of a man you’ll see in the media, MOST men pretty much have their sexual desires in check. We’re sexual beings for sure, but in general, it’s not something that overrides our better judgment.

While men and women operate at different wavelengths, it’s simply a reality of dating and you shouldn’t let it knock the wind out of your sails. You simply work around the these differences and move forward with him.

By being calm, mature and well, cool about it, you’ll show your guy that you’re a stable, dependable partner who can support him in spite of his occasional bone-headedness.