Category Archives for Dating

5 Soulmate Signs (With A Few Soulmate Quotes)

If you want to figure out if someone is a “romantic” or not, the easiest way is to ask them one simple question: “Do you believe in soulmates?”

The practical, no nonsense friends will tell you that “there’s no such thing as soulmates! You should put your feet back on the ground.”

And they’ll come up with a dozen depressing stories that really don’t have much to do with the topic of soulmates – just their own poor relationship skills.

The more creative and emotionally connected friends will tell you “Of course there are soulmates!” And they’ll come up with dreamy and farfetched stories of love that escaped them.

They usually finish up with a wistful look in their eye that makes you think that finding a soulmate must be a painful ordeal – not a joyous and magical destiny.

Consider a few of these soulmate quotes:

“Soulmate is an overused term, but a true soul connection is very rare – and very real.”
– Hilary Duff

Hilary is hinting that there is a rare kind of magic when we find someone that we work well with, and that’s something most people can agree upon.

Then there’s this:

“What’s the difference between the love of your life, and your soulmate? One is a choice, and one is not.”

? Tarryn Fisher

Attraction, as some have said, is not a choice. So in that way, a strong chemistry between you and your man is something that cannot be denied, or avoided.

What we hope to find is the love of our life that IS our soulmate.

And don’t forget one of my most favorite dysfunctional soulmate quotes:

“He felt now that he was not simply close to her, but that he did not know where he ended and she began.”

– Leo Tolstoy

Leo proved that you can take a good thing and go way too far with it. Look, it may sound really romantic to “lose yourself” in another person, but you rapidly discover that this is more a mental and emotional disorder.

Losing your identity is a definition of mental illness, not true love.

But here’s a good one that balances the perspective on soulmates:

“To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.”

? Criss Jami

Which is one of the most real-world definitions of soulmate that I’ve ever heard. Especially if you’re one of those people that finds yourself waiting more than taking action to cross paths with him.

So what’s the truth?

Is there such thing as “soulmates”?

Or is it a myth?

Is there someone you were meant to be with waiting for you out there?

Well the truth is a little of BOTH the practical and the romantic side.

Yes, there are soulmates… and there is a part of finding that person – and possibly MAKING that person – that you need to recognize.

You can’t fall victim to the soulmate fairy tales that you’ve been told.

But at the same time, you can’t give up hope that there isn’t a guy out there who fits you just right – and makes all the effort to find him worthwhile.

It’s when a bit of healthy expectations meets positive attitude, and combines with a little intelligent action.

Hey, no one ever said your soulmate will just appear out of thin air. You have to do some of the legwork.

There are people you encounter who you feel like you share a real connection with. Almost like it goes back in time to past lives.

It might even connect you to a common destiny – a shared path you and he were meant to walk.

Let me start up front by cautioning you not to look for soulmate signals as the only way to find a person to be with.

If we rely too heavily on mystical methods of finding the one we love, we might overlook the very real possibilities right in front of us.

At heart, I’m a romantic. I believe there are people we’re meant to be with, and some that we absolutely should not be with.

And when we find one of the good ones, it’s like two Lego blocks snapping together. If that’s a reasonable definition of Soulmates, then YES, I’m a believer.

So how do you find this person – this soulmate?

Are there soulmate signals you can use to pick them out of the masses of would-be boyfriends, losers, and those jerks you wished you could have avoided?

As it turns out, yes – there are soulmate signs to tell you when you’ve met someone who could be a true soulmate for you.

These aren’t magical or mystical signs. They’re very real and down to earth.

First, let me warn you about a couple ways you might *think* you can see a soulmate sign in him – and how these might fool you…

BAD Soulmate Signal: His number

Sorry, but in a world where you can change your name – or the way you add up the numbers – knowing whether or not his number matches yours is not a good way to figure out if you’ve found a life partner.

There are a lot of ways to determine compatibility and if he’s a good match for you, things like his maturity stage, his focus, his personality type.

I’ll cover those in the future – but I always advise to stick to the nitty gritty and the real methods to figure out compatibility.

(Yes this goes for most of those online love tests, too.)

Which leads me to the last BAD signal…

BAD Soulmate Signal: Your psychic says…

Look, I realize there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in my dating philosophy.

If they could, they would have been working a little harder on stock picks and lottery numbers than on your love life, right? I’m just saying, let’s be honest about it.

So let’s not use too many mystical and supernatural methods to tell us the things we can figure out for ourselves.

Most of the time, using “mystical methods” is more our wanting someone to just tell us what we should do in a very uncertain world.

Now, let’s get to the real soulmate signs that do work:

The First Sign You’ve Met Your Soulmate: Everything is just so EASY…

Look, relationships will always be a challenge. But sometimes you meet someone that just seems to “get you” on all the right levels. It’s not the usual struggle that you experience to make things work out.

It feels like you’ve known each other your whole lives.

– You don’t feel like you’re fighting against circumstance…

– You don’t feel like THEY are resisting… (doesn’t that feel great?)

– You don’t feel like the odds are stacked against you…

Of course there are other factors to watch out for. But if you find it easy to be with him, and you don’t get all the usual resistance and reluctance, you’ve found someone that you can mesh with.

The soulmate part is something you may have to create by just working at it.

At the very least you’ve found a guy who’s available emotionally. And that’s a big deal these days…

The Second Sign of Soulmates is that you both bring out the best in each other…

There are some couples that are just fire and gasoline when they get together. Sometimes they’re like a Michael Bay action movie full of over-the-top explosions.

But when you’re with someone that could be your soulmate, you’ll find that each of you knows how to lift the other one up instead of getting caught up in ugly shouting matches.

He helps you be a better person, and you help him aspire to be the man you’ve dreamed about.

In that way, sometimes your soulmate evolves from the man you had no idea would be The One.

The Third Signal of meeting your soulmate is that you support each other…

In the same way that you bring out the best in each other, you have to take an active role in lifting the other person up.

We’ve all had a relationship where our partner was jealous or threatened by our direction in life, probably fearful of being left behind. He blocked your success at every turn, and pretended that you were crazy to think otherwise.

In a fully functional relationship, especially one where you’ve found your soulmate, you notice that there’s none of that low self-esteem nonsense going on in there.

He just wants you to succeed, and you want the same for him.

Maybe you find yourself sending him article links online, or cutting out interesting things you find in papers and magazines for him.

But one thing is for certain: You get a joy out of helping him move forward in life, because you know he’ll want you there right beside him the whole way.

By lifting him up, you lift both of you up.

The Fourth Signal of finding someone that could be your soulmate is that you feel secure in your relationship…

This is a big one for most women. Having a sense of stability and relaxation in your relationship is probably the ultimate goal for most of the people I’ve coached.

And this could be a contributing factor in why this relationship succeeds.

After all, if you’re feeling insecure, you’re more likely to have a freak-out from time to time that will scare your partner off.

If he grows distant after an argument, and you’re not prepared for it, you’ll get even more freaked out… and the cycle continues until he’s gone for good.

But if you can find your way back to a sense of calm safety about your connection, you’ll be much less likely to self-sabotage. And your relationship will be as solid as a rock.

The Fifth Sign you’re soulmates is that they know how to manage your moods.

When you’re with a guy who’s your soulmate, you know he’ll be patient with your emotions, no matter how wild the ride might get. Of course, this is just as much a function of his maturity as yours, but you need to know he won’t lose his cool when you’re having a “moment.”

Usually, this is not the kind of guy who complains about “drama” from women all the time. He’s also not the kind of guy who constantly has to point out the differences between men and women.

He just seems to understand how women work, and he flows with it.

And that makes everything flow so much easier between you two.

As you can tell, the signals that tell you that you’ve found your soulmate can be subtle. It’s not as if you can just have him pull out a number 2 pencil and go through a test.

But if your radar has been fine tuned enough, you’ll be able to recognize his soulmate signs in advance. And then, all on your own, you’ll know whether or not you should stick around and work through it with him.

Your soulmate won’t fall from the sky into your lap. You also can’t wish him into being.

But if you put yourself out there, in the path of many different men, you’ll make it almost inevitable that you’ll find the man that can be – at the very least – the love of your life.

Give him a chance to be the man of your dreams…

If you’d like to know if this guy is the right one for you, you need to know how to read his signals.

He’s sending you ALL the signs you need to see right now…

CLICK HERE FOR YOUR COPY OF “READ HIS SIGNALS”

And don’t forget to take the Soulmate Survey HERE…”

How to Please Your Man – Relationship Tips For Women

Today, I’ve got a letter that was sent in by one of the readers. I think it’s a common issue, and one you’ll be able to relate to.

Read on…and then read my answer.

QUESTION FROM A READER: Why doesn’t he take the Lead?

Carlos, I read all your emails, blogs and have ordered lots of material from you and other relationship guru’s.

I can honestly say I’m frustrated as it appears that most of if not ALL of the work on having a successful and loving relationship falls on the woman and what she should or shouldn’t do.

I find that utterly exhausting and honestly disappointing.

As if we don’t have enough to take care of already? jobs, family, etc.

I get it that men are simple, they don’t know how to express themselves and will easily put up walls and run for the hills for seemingly little things, but so what!?

It’s not any easier for women in any way and yet we still try our hardest to do what’s best for a man, usually before whats best for us.

Why isn’t the MAN taking the lead here as we were taught they should and learning what works for women as well?

Why is it that the woman is left to do most of the work and then has to sit back and wait to see if what she does or doesn’t do works?

It feels backwards and it seems we are being taught to manipulate a man by saying or doing this or that instead of just being ourselves “right or wrong” and be who we are innately made to be??

If I can’t get a man based on being myself then the work then becomes fixing myself if needed, but not to get a man, but rather to be a better person…

It just seems like a huge amount of work on the woman’s part and frankly we are TIRED from the minute we wake up from all the expectations and responsibilities we have and need the MAN to step up and take the pressure off of us, take some responsibility for making things work with us so that we can effectively be his helpmate like we were meant to be…

– Deanna B.

______________________
CARLOS ANSWERS:

Well, Deanna, I hear the frustration you must have. It’s definitely a common complaint.

After all, how is a relationship supposed to work if both people don’t put in effort?

Let’s step back and look at things from a different perspective.

There’s a certain dynamic that plays out in all relationships, and it’s something we should review (especially when learning how to flirt with a man).

Keep in mind as I go through this that this is not set in stone, and we can flip-flop roles on occasion, but this is generally how we see things flow:

1) The man and woman meet. Through intention or happenstance, the spark of romance is struck.

2) The man initiates – usually asking her out on a date.

3) The woman accepts, and begins the role of the pursued.

4) The man, discovering that there is a possibility of romance – not to mention sex – begins the pursuit.

5) The woman – as she discovers the sincerity of his interests in her, allows him closer and closer.

6) At some point, sex happens. This is the stage often called “limerance” – where the couple is engulfed in the novelty and passion of a new relationship.

7) The uncertainty of just “dating” gives way to love and a more long-term bond.

8) If the two are compatible, they will usually stay together as a couple and stop dating others. Now they are “exclusive” – or “monogamous.”

9) As the relationship continues, the woman looks for more commitment from him. If this is paced well between them, and there’s no major imbalance of love for each other, the commitment will naturally occur.

But if the woman is more focused on the need for a certain level of commitment from the man (“where is this going?” – engagement, marriage), sometimes commitment can seem like a hurdle and an obstacle.

Sometimes this is due to the man acting more aloof, making the woman more anxious. This then can create a “downward spiral” where she feels like he’s distant, tries to pull him closer, which then freaks him out and creates more distance.

Sometimes the pattern can be broken and the anxiety brought under control, but most times it becomes a real issue. Even women who think they know how to seduce a man run into these relationship issues.

Sometimes this is due to each of them having different expectations for the relationship.

(See my complete explanation of this in Forever Yours – The Secret Password To His Heart.)

Whatever the reason, the relationship now feels like he’s not putting any effort in, and she’s doing all the work to keep it together.

It feels like he was taking the lead (starting the chase), but now that he’s got what he wanted, he isn’t working on things anymore.

And there will be a shift of responsibility at this point, a natural shift that makes the woman the steward of the relationship.

If you resent him for his lack of relationship ability here, that won’t lead to where you want to go, either.

Very often the loving feelings will cycle up and down, creating a tumultuous experience for each of you. That is, until you can realize how “love” really works.

Let me explain… You said:

“It just seems like a huge amount of work on the woman’s part and frankly we are TIRED from the minute we wake up from all the expectations and responsibilities we have and need the MAN to step up and take the pressure off of us, take some responsibility for making things work with us…”

Which is the way a great many women feel.

But what would you say if you knew that men also say the exact same thing?

Men are also exhausted from working every waking minute on all the expectations and responsibilities placed on him as a man.

You’d probably say – “But he’s not doing anything! How can he be tired?”

It may feel that way for you in the relationship, but men are working just as hard, but on other things. They feel they’re working on their part of the relationship, that is not recognized by women.

Yet another study (YAS?) claims that women immerse themselves in their romantic relationships, while men tend to put their partners on an equal but distant footing.

Most of these studies show that – generally speaking – women *appear* to be more invested in their relationships than men.

And that their happiness and well-being is more dependent upon how things are going in their intimate relationships.

After all, who is the one who (usually) recognizes that things in the relationship aren’t going well?

The woman.

Who is it that typically seeks therapy or professional help with the relationship?

The woman.

Who is it that mostly spends time on websites, going to seminars, reading self-help books and asking dating gurus like Carlos for advice?

Women.

Does this mean that men don’t care about relationships?

No.

This means that men are simply not wired to treat relationships the same way.

Here’s my advice on guys:

First off, let’s accept up front that men and women are different.

Yes, we’re human beings, but in our distinctly different brains – we are very different in behaviors and drives. Neither side is any more “right” or “wrong” – we’re just different.

Women are biologically hard-wired to be the nurturers. We usually accept this as a given.

Women are the ones with the skills to anticipate the needs of their partners, as well as take care of the relationship. She will also do the analysis and send up an alert when things have gone awry.

Men, on the other hand, are more biologically wired to be the protectors and providers. It’s not that the relationship isn’t important to us, it’s just that we show it in different ways.

Men demonstrate commitment by working hard to provide money and put food on the table, establishing a career – and maintaining an emotional distance.

It’s that last one that will freak out most women reading this.

Why does a man keep an emotional distance?

He does it to ensure the stability and foundation of the relationship that can endure.

If he were to be as emotionally involved in the relationship, it would make it difficult for him to accomplish the things he must do to fulfill his other expectations.

Sure, you may ask yourself, “How can I change him? How can I get him to be more involved in our relationship?”

This is a typical question I get from women when they ask relationship advice from me. And here’s how I see it…

I say, you can’t – and you shouldn’t — so don’t even try. Behaving as if you want him to change is what typically makes most men feel like they’re not accepted, and then this alienation will push him away.

Before you fall into hopeless despair, stay with me…

Try this analogy on for size:

Let’s pretend I drive a big gas-guzzling Hummer SUV. One of those vehicles that just screams – “Bad gas mileage!”

Now, let’s pretend that I”m going to drive this SUV around San Francisco. If you’ve ever been here, you’ll know that finding a parking spot is about as rare as panning for gold, much less one that could handle this beast.

If I were to expect that Hummer to A) be cheap to drive, and B) easy to park, I would be disappointed every day of my life.

If I want that from just about any SUV, really, I’m just fooling myself.

I should get a mini Cooper, or a Prius, or some other tiny car that will get better gas mileage, and fit in much smaller spaces.

The Hummer just can’t give that to me.

But it does give me other benefits:

– Safety
– Reliability
– Comfort

The nature of men in relationships is no different than this. Men can’t be like another woman to you, but we can be all the things you appreciate and are attracted to in MEN.

We aren’t ever going to change to become more “feminine” in relationships. Just like dogs aren’t going to act like cats, we are going to stay true to our nature.

In fact, being a bit too “sensitive” is one of the signs of a man who is likely to be difficult to stay attracted to.

One of the biggest mistakes women make is to expect men to meet all their needs through their love relationship.

It does sound romantic and very Walt Disney, but it isn’t at all realistic.

As you mature and get more experience in love and dating, you realize that this is one of the most damaging myths of relationships.

A man can provide many things, but you should watch out for the expectation of him being able to provide you with a “feminine” love style that he’s just not capable of.

HOWEVER – Men are fully capable of learning and improving in relationships, and we do.

When we feel safe in our relationship with our woman, we will grow beyond those innate qualities.

We will strive to meet your needs as well.

We might not always succeed, but we’ll keep trying as long as we feel the woman in our life is genuine – and that she understands us without having to change us.

Trust me when I tell you that there are expectations of how we men would like women to express their love that often goes unmet in the relationship as well.

So both sides often find themselves going “But why cant he/she just…”

I did a thought exercise once that helped me immensely with this dilemma. Let me share it with you:

If you knew that you would never get exactly what you desire from men, what would you do?

Would you give up on men completely?

Stop dating and become a recluse?

OR would you find a way to work with the limitations you were given to create the kind of relationship that could fulfill you?

After I asked these questions of myself – about women – I had some breakthroughs in the way I saw my relationships.

Very often it’s the unrealistic expectations we put on relationships that dooms them to failure – because we never really accurately understood what love and a loving relationship is really supposed to do for us.

The Hollywood Myth of love is strong.

It’s rare that someone explains how this ideal is not only crippling to our ability to become that better person you mentioned, it’s unhealthy to our self-esteem.

For many people, this understanding I’ve just shared is disillusioning – and as you said “depressing.” In fact, some of the women who read this will flat out reject it.

But once you work through it, you will come out on the other side – liberated from the mistaken ideals we learned as kids.

And it’s then that you’ll be able to take the next step toward creating the relationship that fulfills you in ways you hadn’t imagined before…

Let me help you get there faster – CLICK HERE to get started…