5 Soulmate Signs (With A Few Soulmate Quotes)

If you want to figure out if someone is a “romantic” or not, the easiest way is to ask them one simple question: “Do you believe in soulmates?”

The practical, no nonsense friends will tell you that “there’s no such thing as soulmates! You should put your feet back on the ground.”

And they’ll come up with a dozen depressing stories that really don’t have much to do with the topic of soulmates – just their own poor relationship skills.

The more creative and emotionally connected friends will tell you “Of course there are soulmates!” And they’ll come up with dreamy and farfetched stories of love that escaped them.

They usually finish up with a wistful look in their eye that makes you think that finding a soulmate must be a painful ordeal – not a joyous and magical destiny.

Consider a few of these soulmate quotes:

“Soulmate is an overused term, but a true soul connection is very rare – and very real.”
– Hilary Duff

Hilary is hinting that there is a rare kind of magic when we find someone that we work well with, and that’s something most people can agree upon.

Then there’s this:

“What’s the difference between the love of your life, and your soulmate? One is a choice, and one is not.”

? Tarryn Fisher

Attraction, as some have said, is not a choice. So in that way, a strong chemistry between you and your man is something that cannot be denied, or avoided.

What we hope to find is the love of our life that IS our soulmate.

And don’t forget one of my most favorite dysfunctional soulmate quotes:

“He felt now that he was not simply close to her, but that he did not know where he ended and she began.”

– Leo Tolstoy

Leo proved that you can take a good thing and go way too far with it. Look, it may sound really romantic to “lose yourself” in another person, but you rapidly discover that this is more a mental and emotional disorder.

Losing your identity is a definition of mental illness, not true love.

But here’s a good one that balances the perspective on soulmates:

“To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.”

? Criss Jami

Which is one of the most real-world definitions of soulmate that I’ve ever heard. Especially if you’re one of those people that finds yourself waiting more than taking action to cross paths with him.

So what’s the truth?

*Is* there such thing as “soulmates”?

Or is it a myth?

Is there someone you were meant to be with waiting for you out there?

Well the truth is a little of BOTH the practical and the romantic side.

Yes, there are soulmates… and there is a part of finding that person – and possibly MAKING that person – that you need to recognize.

You can’t fall victim to the soulmate fairy tales that you’ve been told.

But at the same time, you can’t give up hope that there isn’t a guy out there who fits you just right – and makes all the effort to find him worthwhile.

It’s when a bit of healthy expectations meets positive attitude, and combines with a little intelligent action.

Hey, no one ever said your soulmate will just appear out of thin air. You have to do some of the legwork.

There are people you encounter who you feel like you share a real connection with. Almost like it goes back in time to past lives.

It might even connect you to a common destiny – a shared path you and he were meant to walk.

Let me start up front by cautioning you not to look for soulmate signals as the only way to find a person to be with.

If we rely too heavily on mystical methods of finding the one we love, we might overlook the very real possibilities right in front of us.

At heart, I’m a romantic. I believe there are people we’re meant to be with, and some that we absolutely should not be with.

And when we find one of the good ones, it’s like two Lego blocks snapping together. If that’s a reasonable definition of Soulmates, then YES, I’m a believer.

So how do you find this person – this soulmate?

Are there soulmate signals you can use to pick them out of the masses of would-be boyfriends, losers, and those jerks you wished you could have avoided?

As it turns out, yes – there are soulmate signs to tell you when you’ve met someone who could be a true soulmate for you.

These aren’t magical or mystical signs. They’re very real and down to earth.

First, let me warn you about a couple ways you might *think* you can see a soulmate sign in him – and how these might fool you…

BAD Soulmate Signal: His number

Sorry, but in a world where you can change your name – or the way you add up the numbers – knowing whether or not his number matches yours is not a good way to figure out if you’ve found a life partner.

There are a lot of ways to determine compatibility and if he’s a good match for you, things like his maturity stage, his focus, his personality type.

I’ll cover those in the future – but I always advise to stick to the nitty gritty and the real methods to figure out compatibility.

(Yes this goes for most of those online love tests, too.)

Which leads me to the last BAD signal…

BAD Soulmate Signal: Your psychic says…

Look, I realize there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in my dating philosophy.

If they could, they would have been working a little harder on stock picks and lottery numbers than on your love life, right? I’m just saying, let’s be honest about it.

So let’s not use too many mystical and supernatural methods to tell us the things we can figure out for ourselves.

Most of the time, using “mystical methods” is more our wanting someone to just tell us what we should do in a very uncertain world.

Now, let’s get to the real soulmate signs that do work:

The First Sign You’ve Met Your Soulmate: Everything is just so EASY…

Look, relationships will always be a challenge. But sometimes you meet someone that just seems to “get you” on all the right levels. It’s not the usual struggle that you experience to make things work out.

It feels like you’ve known each other your whole lives.

– You don’t feel like you’re fighting against circumstance…

– You don’t feel like THEY are resisting… (doesn’t that feel great?)

– You don’t feel like the odds are stacked against you…

Of course there are other factors to watch out for. But if you find it easy to be with him, and you don’t get all the usual resistance and reluctance, you’ve found someone that you can mesh with.

The soulmate part is something you may have to create by just working at it.

At the very least you’ve found a guy who’s available emotionally. And that’s a big deal these days…

The Second Sign of Soulmates is that you both bring out the best in each other…

There are some couples that are just fire and gasoline when they get together. Sometimes they’re like a Michael Bay action movie full of over-the-top explosions.

But when you’re with someone that could be your soulmate, you’ll find that each of you knows how to lift the other one up instead of getting caught up in ugly shouting matches.

He helps you be a better person, and you help him aspire to be the man you’ve dreamed about.

In that way, sometimes your soulmate evolves from the man you had no idea would be The One.

The Third Signal of meeting your soulmate is that you support each other…

In the same way that you bring out the best in each other, you have to take an active role in lifting the other person up.

We’ve all had a relationship where our partner was jealous or threatened by our direction in life, probably fearful of being left behind. He blocked your success at every turn, and pretended that you were crazy to think otherwise.

In a fully functional relationship, especially one where you’ve found your soulmate, you notice that there’s none of that low self-esteem nonsense going on in there.

He just wants you to succeed, and you want the same for him.

Maybe you find yourself sending him article links online, or cutting out interesting things you find in papers and magazines for him.

But one thing is for certain: You get a joy out of helping him move forward in life, because you know he’ll want you there right beside him the whole way.

By lifting him up, you lift both of you up.

The Fourth Signal of finding someone that could be your soulmate is that you feel secure in your relationship…

This is a big one for most women. Having a sense of stability and relaxation in your relationship is probably the ultimate goal for most of the people I’ve coached.

And this could be a contributing factor in why this relationship succeeds.

After all, if you’re feeling insecure, you’re more likely to have a freak-out from time to time that will scare your partner off.

If he grows distant after an argument, and you’re not prepared for it, you’ll get even more freaked out… and the cycle continues until he’s gone for good.

But if you can find your way back to a sense of calm safety about your connection, you’ll be much less likely to self-sabotage. And your relationship will be as solid as a rock.

The Fifth Sign you’re soulmates is that they know how to manage your moods.

When you’re with a guy who’s your soulmate, you know he’ll be patient with your emotions, no matter how wild the ride might get. Of course, this is just as much a function of his maturity as yours, but you need to know he won’t lose his cool when you’re having a “moment.”

Usually, this is not the kind of guy who complains about “drama” from women all the time. He’s also not the kind of guy who constantly has to point out the differences between men and women.

He just seems to understand how women work, and he flows with it.

And that makes everything flow so much easier between you two.

As you can tell, the signals that tell you that you’ve found your soulmate can be subtle. It’s not as if you can just have him pull out a number 2 pencil and go through a test.

But if your radar has been fine tuned enough, you’ll be able to recognize his soulmate signs in advance. And then, all on your own, you’ll know whether or not you should stick around and work through it with him.

Your soulmate won’t fall from the sky into your lap. You also can’t wish him into being.

But if you put yourself out there, in the path of many different men, you’ll make it almost inevitable that you’ll find the man that can be – at the very least – the love of your life.

Give him a chance to be the man of your dreams…

If you’d like to know if this guy is the right one for you, you need to know how to read his signals.

He’s sending you ALL the signs you need to see right now…

CLICK HERE FOR YOUR COPY OF “READ HIS SIGNALS”

And don’t forget to take the Soulmate Survey HERE…”

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3 Reasons Why Men Won’t Commit To You

There’s a great lyric from an old 80s rock song that sticks in my head to this day:

“When the heart rules the mind, one look and love is blind…”

It’s a romantic – and fairly accurate – observation.

But does the heart ever rule the mind when it comes to men?

Why does it seem like he won’t let his heart win when it comes to committing to your relationship?

There has been so much speculation on why men won’t commit to you, even after he’s fallen for you.

Now I need to put an end to this and explain to you the REAL reason why men won’t commit.

I get tired of hearing all the women’s magazines theories as to “why men don’t commit” that I felt I needed to set the story straight.

First – let’s get rid of some of the myths about why men won’t commit…

MYTH #1 for why men won’t commit: Bad Timing

Really?

Let me ask you something…

Would you ever turn down a promotion and a raise at work because you need to wait for the timing to be right for the RIGHT promotion?

Would you turn down a delicious seafood dinner because you’d rather eat in a half hour?

Has there ever really been a “bad” time to drink water to keep yourself hydrated and alive?

My point is this: If something is truly good, you’ll make it work out for you.

If he sees that this relationship is really as great (as it should be for him to commit to you, right?) – if he sees that, would he really deprive himself of having you just because of … timing??

I mean if someone offers you a $250 meal at a superb restaurant, you’d jump on it in a heartbeat. Even if you had just finished supper.

But if it was McDonalds, then maybe you could wait.

Well, maybe you look too much like McDonalds to HIM. (?)

You see, the truth is that men see relationships as being in one of three stages:

1- Not having sex yet…
2- Having sex
3- Getting intimate and serious (AKA “committed”)

If he won’t go from stage 2 to stage 3 with you, he’s into the sex, there’s something about taking it to the next level that doesn’t appeal to him.

And it’s not a general fear of emotion or commitment, either. I know it confirms many women’s suspicions to believe that all men are broken in this way, but it’s not true.

And if I don’t set the record straight for you, you might never know what really stops you from getting the love you deserve.

You need to know what signal you’re giving off that he’s misreading and fix it so that he sees you as the prize you believe to be.

Well, there is a place where this timing does get in the way. And that’s if he’s in a very particular stage of life.

I’ll explain that one in a bit. Next up is…

MYTH #2 for why men won’t commit: Work is crazy…

BZZZZZT!

Sorry…

Men only give up quality time with their girl for work when work seems like a better way to spend his time.

But the scary thought you might be entertaining is that YOU might be making him feel this way, isn’t it?

You could be afraid you’re pushing him away, and he’s retreating into work.

Thankfully, however, this isn’t usually the case.

Human beings usually only spend time on those things we truly WANT to be doing at that moment.

There is a time in a man’s life when his work will take priority over you. Usually when he’s trying to provide for you.

But by far, the most fantastic reason for not committing that I hear is this next one…

MYTH #3 for why men won’t commit: The relationship is so amazing – it scares him!

This one is right up there with the denial reason: “I’m too good for him!”

Otherwise known as: “He doesn’t deserve me…”

Proclaiming that you’re better than him – and that this is a reason he won’t commit to you is ridiculous. And it’s a defense mechanism, not a reason.

If he didn’t want to date you for any reason, your playing the “I’m going to jack up my self-esteem card” with this kind of reasoning is asking for trouble down the road.

Guys don’t leave relationships because they fall into a pit of despair over how far short he falls from your grace, either.

Men simply don’t deprive themselves of love. He’s not scared of all that love and juicy affection.

It’s another illogical rationalization.

What he does fear is settling for an average relationship when he knows he could keep looking for a fantastic one.

I know, I know…

You’re a fantastic woman that would make his life something extraordinary – and make him happy for the rest of his life.

But are you *showing* that to him…?

Ah, therein lies the rub, as Shakespeare said.

But now we’ve reached the ultimate myth about why men don’t commit…

MYTH #4 – Why he won’t commit to you: COMMITMENT PHOBIA!!

Sounds pretty scary, huh?

After all, if there’s a reason a man wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship with you, it must be because he’s a horn dog with an inability to commit – and deep seated emotional issues that label him as not only immature but as a borderline narcissist.

Yes, that was supposed to be sarcastic.

The problem with that whole concept is that it’s just not true. Very few men are “commitment phobic.”

Men don’t fear committing… we do it all the time. From the car we buy to the career we choose, we do commit.

We don’t FEAR commitment, ladies…what we men fear is entrapment and emasculation.

There’s a big difference, and I’ll explain it to you now – as we get into the 3 REAL reasons men won’t – or don’t – commit…

REAL Reason He Won’t Commit #1: He sees a scary pattern.

That scary pattern is – of course – this:

1) He started dating you and things were great…

2) Things got serious, and he was still okay…

3) Until you started to change from the cool chick he started dating into this rather neurotic mess that needed to know “where this is going” and “what you feel for me…”

4) Then you became someone different – someone not quite as fun to be around – when all you could do is focus on “getting your needs met.”

Not that there is anything wrong with this, mind you. The problem comes up because you put your needs on hold and hid them for too long.

Then you tried to look like the person you *thought* he was looking for: A woman who had no demands of him.

Until you realized you couldn’t play that act anymore, and probably freaked out.

Here’s a little shocker about men: We know you want us to make a commitment eventually.

If we were truly afraid of that, we’d never get married, or jump into relationships in the first place.

We just want you to want US as much as you want this imaginary idea of “commitment.” Don’t chase the status or the engagement ring so much that you forget about the man.

Make sense?

Which leads me to…

Why he won’t make that commitment to you – Reason #2: He’s not falling in love – he’s being PUSHED into a commitment…

When you try to force a man to do anything, he will run in the opposite direction. FAST.

Trying to force a guy to commit puts him under extreme emotional pressure. I get it – you do this because he seems to be taking forever.

But he’s just trying to enjoy spending time with you – not hit some grandiose title of “committed man.”

When a man feels pressured and obligated to do something, he will associate those bad feelings with you, too.

Just take a step back, breathe deep, and realize that the only way to motivate him to commit to you is by dropping the fixation you have with commitment.

Do that, and you’ll actually get that commitment.

I get it – you’re trying to get rid of that nagging sense of insecurity about the relationship.

But guess what? Even after you finally get to the next “official” stage of devotion, you’ll just find new things to be insecure about a few days later.

It’s a hollow accomplishment to seek some kind of “definite” when it comes to relationships, let alone the imaginary state of “committed.”

Look – chances are the guy you’re with is already committed to you. You just don’t know it.

There’s nothing official or binding about the status of “committed.” It’s just an idea in your head.

The only thing you ever have that’s a sure thing is when you’re together and enjoying the time you have with each other. And even that is fleeting.

He will actually want to be in a long-term, exclusive relationship with you if he feels that it’s something you’re on the road to accomplish – not running to catch.

Instead of obsessing over a title or a grand gesture of commitment, focus on enjoying the quality of time you spend with each other.

That’s what a man pays attention to in a relationship. He pays attention to how he feels when he’s with you – and if it’s a good time.

And now we finally have:

REAL Reason your guy won’t commit to you #3: You’re trying to be the imaginary woman he will commit to…

Most women spend far too much time trying to BE the woman he wants, instead of BEING the woman they are, and then watching to see which men find her attractive.

You’ll never be the perfect Goddess that attracts any and all men to you. It’s a narcissistic delusion to think it’s possible.

But most women know that they can be the woman ALMOST any man wants simply by not trying to be someone else.

As Oscar Wilde once said: “Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.”

He’ll instantly want to lock you in when he sees that – most of the time – you’re the woman that not only makes himself feel good about himself, but you genuinely enjoy him and the time you have together.

No one runs to hide from the person who makes them feel good about themselves.

Oh, by the way, here’s the complete lyric from that song I mentioned earlier. I like the final thought that the whole thing communicates – and it’s a good message for any woman:

“When the heart rules the mind, one look and love is blind…
“If you want the dream to last, take a chance … forget the past…”

If you’d like to discover the rules of the heart – and how to rule HIS mind – check out this video on the secrets of being truly irresistible to men.

Once you learn how to activate a guy’s built-in attraction mechanism in his head, his heart won’t be far behind. Then you won’t have to worry about making him want to commit to you – he’ll do that all on his own willingly – click here to find out how.

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7 Sex Secrets About Men – What Men Want In Bed

There seems to be two different schools of thought when it comes to sex and guys:

– Guys are tricky to satisfy sexually – you need to learn a lot of tricks and techniques to make him happy in bed…

OR

– Guys are super simple to keep happy in the bedroom – just give it up regularly.

Well, they’re both true – and a little false at the same time.

Let me explain…

First of all – let me do something that I do best: Bust some myths!

There are so many about men, but here are a few that you should know about:

Sex Myth 1: Guys want sex ALL the time

This one is deadly, because it paints men as being mindless tools (get it? tools? ahem…) that are blinded by their sexual desire.

It’s true that a man’s sexual need is much more of an urgency than women’s, but we’re still capable of not running naked through the streets.

Apparently there’s a statistic that men think about sex every 7 seconds, or something absurd like that. I think some lonely researcher with a calculator went a little crazy on that one.

Hey, keep in mind that we think about food and work more than that. And probably video games, too…

No, men don’t think about it THAT much.

We want sex, and think about sex, but it doesn’t override our ability to function normally in society.

Sex Myth #2: Guys want sex instead of relationships…

WRONG!

This is one that I’m really happy to bust because it’s another way that the media will make you think that men are these mindless sex-crazed machines.

This myth is so deeply ingrained that people are convinced that guys who claim to want relationships rather than casual sex are either incredibly rare – or simply full of crap.

The truth is that guys want sex *earlier* in the relationship.

That’s EARLIER, not instead of.

Men are just fine with a relationship, and yes – even commitment! But that’s a topic for another article…

Sex Myth #3: Men have sex earlier than women – and have more sexual partners.

In truth, men and women typically lose their virginity at about age 17.

Surveys have indicated that men have a median of 7 sexual partners for a woman’s 4.

Now the problem with this is that, first of all it’s a survey.

You don’t get valid information from a survey – you get it from see people’s actions. (Not that you could verify this kind of claim, but you get my point.)

Second of all, the math of this kind of claim makes no sense at all. Guys are having sex with women, so the women’s numbers shouldn’t be this far off.

(Unless all that sex is with a few women who never take these surveys…)

So that can’t be true just based on simple logic – and math.

The reality is that men typically overstate their number of sexual partners, and women tend to under-state theirs.

Men are more revered for having more partners, and women are more revered for fewer.

And here’s an interesting statistic that you might not have known:

Virgins make up 12.3% of females and 14.3% of males aged 20 to 24.

Do what you will with that information…!

So now that I’ve opened up the kimono on a few of those little sex myths about men, let’s get into some of the things that matter to you. Let’s talk about the sex secrets that will keep him happy in the bedroom.

7 Sex Secrets About Men – to make both of you happier in bed…

#1: Guys love it when you take the lead

Yes, men do like to know that they were the ones that got you there, and that you are actually consenting right along with him. That much proves our masculine power and virility.

However, what most women may not know is how much we like the opposite, too.

When a woman attacks us and drags us into bed, it’s another kind of validation for us, just as it is for women.

And this is where we run into trouble…

Most women want men to initiate, mostly so she can know that she is desirable in his eyes. And unfortunately, most women don’t feel comfortable initiating sex due to that “slut shaming” stigma that is created by most cultures.

When men have to initiate every time, it makes us feel less desirable and can give us performance anxiety.

So while it may take a little extra effort on your part – recognize that guys do love it when you take the leadership role in the bedroom.

Being desired is a turn on for both sexes, and it’s one that men want just as much as women.

If you can get the chance – and the guts – push his back against the wall, straddle him and then grind to climax. Yeah, you know – that circular hip grind thing.

#2: We want you to use your hands

Guys crave a woman’s touch, even when we’re in the most intimate kind of body-to-body contact. Your hands on us are an incredible turn-on.

Here are a few ways you can get your hands-on action moving…

– Ass grab: Big props here if can reach. Men love the feel of a woman’s hands on our butt, especially when we’re getting close to climax. Pull us into you, it lets us know this is what you want.

– Grab his arms: Especially when he’s on top and supporting himself above you. It makes us feel stronger and more powerful when you clutch our arms.

– Scratch his back – gently. This can be a huge turn on.

– Rub his shoulders – when he’s stressed out, focusing on this area will help untangle him.

– Reach behind his neck: And reach into his hair with your fingers. The feel of your hands stimulating our scalp will give us chills galore…

#3: Nurture and love us

As much as you might think that men want to be beaten and whipped into submission, the truth is that men want and need women to give us the kind of tender nurturing we almost never get in our daily lives.

If you compare the day-to-day interactions of men vs. women, you’d see that women get far more nurturing touch than men do.

In fact, if a guy is single, he gets almost no meaningful physical contact on any given day.

So when it comes to sex, guys want more loving touch that they don’t get regularly on their own. It will both enhance and deepen the intimate contact you have in the bedroom.

Sex can be a care-taking event that leaves his emotional batteries charged for another day.

#4: Never judge or look disgusted with us

Guys want to be intimate with you – and to ask for stuff in bed – without feeling like we’re being judged or criticized for it.

We need you to be open and loving, even if he comes up with something you’re not down with trying.

Instead of looking revolted and turning him down right away, remember that you have to be gentle – or he might decide that he doesn’t want to risk that kind of reaction from you ever again.

Which means he’ll shut down and start to keep his sexual desires more secretively. Or seek them out in porn.

Instead of refusing outright, redirect his request. Say something like, “Hey, why don’t we do THIS… that would feel great…”

Keep things positive in the bedroom, too.

Don’t tell him what you DON’T like. Tell him what you do.

#5: Respect him as a man in bed

Both men and women want emotional as well as physical satisfaction in bed. And many men feel like their masculinity is just as naked to a woman as they are when it comes to sex.

He wants to feel manly, and competent with you when it comes to lovemaking, which means he can’t feel like he’s in competition, either.

Men tend to be sexually dominant in the bedroom, and that’s not a bad thing.

That doesn’t mean one of you is better that the other. You can still be equals and allow him the ability to be the man.

#6: More meaningful eye contact & noise

One thing guys like to see is that you’re there with us, present.

Just as much as you want him to be thinking about you and having sex with your body – not a daydream, we need that from you, too.

Having you close your eyes to go inside is expected when you’re working to orgasm, but before you get completely absorbed in your work, let him know he’s your focus – and your desire.

Make eye contact that says, “Yes! I want you!” – with an emphasis on the YOU. Eye contact is incredibly sexy to us when we’re in bed together.

And it’s one thing you might notice is highlighted in men’s porn. They know the psychology of men – and what we want when they make those movies, so there’s a lot to learn from how the women behave.

Another unspoken desire is for you to let out some noise when things are getting hot and heavy. Even if it’s the good old “Yes, yes…” or a few moans – you gotta let us know when we’re doing things right.

Men complain that they don’t get enough feedback in bed, and it’s not something we can go back and analyze later.

So let us know that we’re doing a good job – and that you’re not bored.

#7: Head

Yup, BJs. Oral. You call it whatever you like, but it’s bliss for men.

As a rule in intimate relationships, you can never give enough blow jobs.

Period.

Have I made my point?

The fact is that almost all healthy men enjoy it – whether we admit it in conversation or not.

Every single woman I know in a long-term relationship where they’ve been together for some time, and the relationship is solid, always credits this one act to keeping her man happy and faithful.

They call it “Love Insurance.”

In fact, one lady friend I know calls it the secret to marriage – it’s that potent.

There are several reasons, but two stand out the most:

– Physically, it just feels great. You can focus on the pleasure zones, teasing and tantalizing, and drawing out the ecstacy.

And…

– If you’re sincere and eager, there’s nothing that feels better to his ego.

And not because he needs his manhood to be “worshipped” or any of that nonsense.

Men love it because it’s a symbol and an act of ACCEPTANCE. Which is not something men get a lot of from women in general.

Not to mention, there is a little of “give to get” involved, so you can get your itch scratched when its time, too.

So there you go… 7 useful tips for making a man happier in bed.

But like I said, men are just as interested in a committed, long-term relationship as women. And if you want a guy to stick around after a steamy romp between the sheets, you can try my advanced strategies on making him want you 24/7.

My course Irresistible Desire shows you step-by-step how to make him stay with you – inside AND outside the bedroom. Click here to get started TODAY.

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What Men Want – 3 Things Every Man Wants From A Woman

You ever find yourself talking to a girlfriend – and you just throw your hands up in the air, saying:

“Geez, what is it with these guys… What do men want from us?”

I’ll bet that’s probably happened more times than you want to admit.

Here’s a little secret you’d never guess: Men ask the same thing, too!

What I’m going to reveal to you here are 3 things that every guy wants from a woman, but probably doesn’t know how to tell you. To be brutally honest, he might not even think about telling you this because he assumes you’d already know.

Or maybe you SHOULD know.

You see, guys assume that you already know this stuff. Just like most women assume that guys should already know what YOU want.

But that’s the trick – and it’s the number one problem between men and women today:

– Women assume that men are simply women that are misbehaving.

– Men assume that women are just being women, and we don’t expect you to be like us. We’ve accepted the Mystery Of Women, and leave it at that.

There will be a lot of women who aren’t cool with that, but will eventually realize that it’s often very true. There isn’t widespread acceptance among women that guys just plain “think differently.”

Women have been scientifically shown to have a pre-disposition to something called The Fallacy of ME.

Here’s what this little interesting psychological illusion does to our thinking:

Each person is immersed in their own point of view. We see through the lens of our needs and desires.

We also do NOT always relate well to the needs and desires of others when they differ. “Why can’t they be more like me?” this tiny chunk of our mind says.

After all, it’s clear that what I experience must be the same thing other people experience.

But it’s really not at all.

We all have an independent, and often different take on things. We have different belief systems, that were created by growing up with different parents, a different environment, and different experiences.

And we also usually assume that a different gender wouldn’t think that much differently that us, right?

Women will then talk to other women to clarify this, and discover – shockingly – that all women seem to have very similar needs. And usually similar *complaints* about guys.

So that means there MUST be something wrong with them, right?

After all, 4 Billion women can’t all be wrong.

And a woman’s needs seem so rational and obvious on the surface.

Some things women want but can’t seem to get are:

– Get him to desire a committed relationship

– Get him to talk about his feelings (is it really that hard?)

– Get him to work on the “relationship” as much as you do

– Get him to talk about whatever he’s thinking… after all, I do it all the time. It’s so easy…!

– Get him to clean up around the house. And if he doesn’t, asking him a few dozen times should do the trick…

Men can’t be THAT much different than women, after all. And all the stuff you want is so logically… RIGHT. I mean, how could he NOT want these things?

Well, rather than try to explain this from the perspective of a woman’s needs (I already covered this completely in my Connection Code program, by the way…), I want to open up a guy’s skull and show you what’s really rattling around in there.

No, we’re not going to do any yucky exploratory surgery – just some revelations from the Mind of Men…

Here are 3 things men want from women, that you probably didn’t know about. And please keep in mind that if you say, “Huh? Why would he want THAT?” – keep in mind that he often says that about *your* needs, too.

Let’s jump in, and count ’em down:

#3 Thing Men Want From Every Woman: Talk To Me Like A Man

No, I don’t mean make crude fart jokes and use our lingo… We’d actually find that kinda gross and weird if you did.

What “Talk Like A Man” means is that you need to understand that men do not communicate the same way women do.

Very often, a woman’s dialogue has a lot of extra detail – emotional and random thought details – that he simply doesn’t need to hear to process the situation.

For example: When you talk to a girlfriend, she’s taking in all the details you can give her to recreate the emotional situation in her mind.

She’s taking in all your random observations, your random thoughts, and she’s creating a “simulator” of you in her head.

This is one of the most miraculous and wondrous abilities a woman has.

She has more of what they call “mirror neurons” that allow you to actually step into another person’s shoes and experience them from the inside out.

Guys don’t do this.

We look at the situation from an objective angle, make a few calculations, and come up with a judgment on the situation – complete with a plan of action.

That’s why men hear women just trying to explain something (a woman’s way of connecting) – and they offer a solution. Which makes you think he didn’t hear you at all.

He really did, he’s just taking a male approach to it.

So recognize that a man’s patience for talking is very limited. And the more emotions that this conversation asks him to experience, the more exhausting he will find it.

If you can save the emotional tangents and keep your talk as “straight-to-the-point” as possible, the more likely you will be to keep his attention.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to relate to all your detail – he just CAN’T.

And asking him to do what your girlfriends do is a recipe for disaster.

If you do want to just vent about something that happened to you at work today, and none of your girlfriends are around, just preface your conversation with him by letting him know it’s “just a vent.”

He’ll know how to handle it that way.

Next up:

#2 Thing Men Want From Every Woman: Remember that men want to be respected and admired MORE than they want to be loved.

Most women value being loved as their single most important need. Love and connection tops the list of almost every woman’s list.

But here’s the craziest thing you ever hear, and it will probably blow your mind…

Love and connection is not what he wants most.

He wants to be respected and admired more. That’s how a man feels “loved.”

It’s more important for him to feel that he’s appreciated for what he does for you – or even for the family.

Now, if you didn’t know this fact, you could make a LOT of mistakes with him.

By assuming that he wants love, and you communicate that feeling to him all the time because it’s your primary need… well that could leave him feeling empty and distant.

There’s that Fallacy of Me again. We all assume the other person must want what we want, so we give them what we want in the hopes of getting it back.

And when we don’t, we scratch our heads and wonder why.

Have you ever thought, “Geez, I’m giving him everything he could want… and he still keeps pulling away!”

What we don’t often do is to step back and think about if that is what the other person REALLY wants. We just assumed they did based on what we need in a relationship.

Again, a man needs love in a specific “language” for him to feel like he’s really connected to you. And that language is respect and admiration.

If you look around today, you’ll see that there’s not much of it out there for men. In fact, being a man is almost punishable in many ways.

So keep in mind that if he feels like you really respect who he is as a man, and that you admire him for qualities that he thinks others overlook, you’ve got an express train into his heart.

Which leads me to:

The #1 Thing Men Want From Every Woman: Know how to get close to his heart – and how NOT to

As I’ve pointed out so far, most women are very attuned to their own needs in a relationship, and often make the mistake of thinking that it must be the same for men.

(Again the Fallacy of Me… it just keeps coming up.)

You have to know how to get close to a man – and it’s not the way you see on television or in the movies.

In fact, most movies devote very little time to explaining how that works at all. You might have noticed.

Instead, they spend an hour showing what a complete fool this guy is before he wises up and is motivated by her beauty and charm to change into a respectable gentleman. And THAT transformation is shown to be the reason she falls for him.

Hey, it makes for a fun romp, a cute little story. Do you think that’s the way it works in real life, however?

It lacks any real attention to the part that matters – the chemistry and the passion-building.

Movies and television play up the sexual tension (“they can’t be together – but they MUST!”), while ignoring the reality that it’s not just who you are that attracts a person. They also need to know how you fit their life and their needs.

Real life attraction between two people is actually a very predictable pattern that you can recreate at will.

EXAMPLE: If love was a roadmap, there are many different ways to get to the destination. But if you don’t know which way is the shortest, you run the risk of another savvy woman getting there first – and stealing your man away from you.

If you just blindly pick a route without knowing what those road conditions are, you could run into a dead end – or worse – LOST.

There are road hazards, and detours…

Okay, I’m done with my clever road metaphor. You get my point, right?

You can subscribe to the fantasy of movies and television – and books… or you can find out how real life connection and love is built.

If you’re interested in getting a detailed copy of this “roadmap” to a man’s heart, I suggest you get the whole story now, instead of waiting for another “road hazard” to take you by surprise.

Men are pretty uncomplicated when it comes right down to it. But you’d never know it if you listened to many of the would-be self-help authors out there.

Luckily, there is a path you can follow to success. And it’s written by the best kind of authority on guys: A man.

Do you know how to connect with him? REALLY connect with him so that all he thinks about all day long is how to get with you?

Then you need to watch this new video: https://www.datingadviceguru.com/connectioncodev

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The #1 Secret To Awaken A Man To Your Love

Having a man close to you is a wonderful feeling…

• The warmth of his embrace…
• The smell of his skin…
• The safety and comfort when you’re near him…

And one of the most frustrating things a woman can feel is the suspicion that you might have accidentally pushed him away…

That you may have even scared a good man off for good.

Well, the truth is this:
(WARNING – I’m not going to sugar-coat this)

The reason he doesn’t want you or desire you is simply because you never made him feel like you really “GET” him.

You Gotta Show Him You GET him!

Let me explain…

Most women think it’s enough to make herself look appealing by fixing her hair, makeup, and clothes. The usual “peacocking” stuff that captures his eye.

The thought goes that, if you make yourself LOOK good enough, he’ll desire you and fall in love with you…

But this is backwards. And it feels *desperate* to men.

YES, you absolutely do need to be appealing to the eye (and that does NOT mean you need to look like a supermodel or have backbreaking boobs.) There is no question that this will initiate interest.

HOWEVER…

What he REALLY needs to feel
is that you UNDERSTAND him
as a MAN…

And you’d be VERY surprised how easy it is to send a guy the wrong signal and make him think you don’t get him AT ALL.

For example: A lot of women pretend to understand a man in order to to pry open his heart. But it backfires on her when she doesn’t do it the right way…

Like when she pretends to be interested in his hobbies or sports or television shows, but it’s just her faking “good behavior.” You know, that “getting to know you” pretending that both men and women sometimes do.

QUICK SECRET: Men And Women
Have Developed a Keen Radar
For BS!

Most human conversations (these days, anyway) tend to have the feel of: “Mmm hmmm. Mmm hmmm. Just waiting for my turn to speak.”

To be fair, we all get a little nervous on dates.

And we want to yak it up and make a good impression. But sometimes we gotta drop the whole “Facebook culture” thing and not need to broadcast ourselves or our lives.

SO when a woman pretends (even if she’s really sure she’s putting up a good act of interest),  an alarm goes off in his head when he figures it out (and believe me, he DOES) – and then slams the door to his love on you.

It can happen on the first date
– or the umpteenth…
There’s no statute of limitations here

You have to show him that you not only understand MEN – but the unique things about HIM as a man.

• Do you know WHY men brag? (Hint: This presentation will explain that whole ‘egotistical braggart’ thing some guys do.)
• Do you know what the sign of a man’s interest is that you’re probably missing? (Yup, it’s the presentation, too…)
• Do you know how to make him feel like a man, and not just a possible meal ticket? (That’s a real concern for a lot of guys.)

So, we men know when a woman “GETS” us – and is on our team – and when it’s just a trick to get us to dig her.

But if you show him
the “Secret Signal” he’s looking for
– he instantly melts for you…

If you show him this Signal, you can have just about any man spellbound – IRRESISTIBLY desiring you…

(It’s almost like cheating…)

Oh, and if you think that the “Secret Signal” men are looking for is SEX – that’s NOT it!

TIP: the *worst* mistake you can make is to sleep with him too quickly just because you think he might “move on” if you don’t…

For example – I just got off the phone with Rebecca – a client, who’s now a close friend of mine…

After losing her husband to another woman, at the age of 39, well – she’s falling back in love, and talking about a new baby…

Now, if you had seen Rebecca just 3 months ago at the mall, where they had an argument so loud and scary that the police had to escort them out (no joke)…

You would NEVER have thought
this was possible…

But she pulled it off… I gotta hand it to her.

You see, what Rebecca discovered was the ONE thing that men desire most of all from women.

And if you think it’s that same three letter word that starts with S and ends with X …

NOPE.

Not that at all.

Again, so many women assume that this is what men want, and ALL they want.

It’s such a well-known
and accepted fact
about men that
it must be true… right?

Nope. I’ll give you a little hint about what he needs –

It’s called APPRECIATION.

Men THRIVE on appreciation. In fact, he wants to feel this more than he wants to feel love from you.

Why?

Because it’s one of the signals that tells him he’s doing things RIGHT.

It’s the ONE way he knows he’s making you happy, when you appreciate him. Appreciation is the male form of LOVE!

It’s also one of the reasons he falls in love in the first place. But, inevitably, the appreciation starts to wane…

And the distance creeps in…

He seems distant…

Hard to reach…

OR – if you’re just going out on a first date with him, but things fizzle – and you never hear from him again…

Chances are, you missed showing him THIS secret signal.

Here – let me show you
how to stop this from
ever happening again…

If you’d like to know what this Secret Signal is that makes men desire you uncontrollably, I’d like you to watch this new video presentation

And you’ll also discover something incredibly exciting – a NEW way for you to unlock the secrets of the male mind…

Don’t let something interrupt you – Go Here NOW…

 

Talk to you soon…

– Carlos Cavallo

PS: Go watch the video here and discover the Secret Signal…

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The Real Reason Men Are Cheap

I haven’t posted a question from my readers in a while, so here’s a good one I had fun answering. You just might find yourself in the same situation as her – check it out:

Hey, Carlos…

I just started dating a guy who has been showing a lot of great attributes and interest (very communicative/consistent).

The first time we went out he was very gung-Ho but I wasn’t sure how I felt, so I offered to split the check. Usually a guy will say he’s got it, but he let me pay my part. It didn’t bother me too much because I didn’t really know if I was even seriously interested.

I knew he’d been on vacation the week before (when we started communication), and he told me he’d spent three times more than he’d anticipated (bachelor party weekend with the boys in the Keys). He said he needed a few weeks to recoup but wanted to take me out to a nice restaurant next time we went out.

I went to visit him a couple of weeks later (we live two hours apart- although I know he should’ve come my way and he was arranging that, I decided I didn’t want him on my turf yet and I wanted to observe him in his environment, friends, etc) and he took me out and paid for dinner and drinks and then more drinks later on that night.

At this point we’d been communicating daily with him always initiating texts and calls for a total of three weeks and where he shared a lot of personal information about himself and wanting to get to know me so I felt comfortable with him. We ended up messing around (big surprise).

Next day he took me to brunch and when the bill came he said out loud “wow, $40” (turn off), so I offered to split it.

My question is this: Is this a really bad sign or is there something I say or how do I handle it to make it clear that while he’s courting me he should handle it?

I don’t care how much money a guy has, but it’s a turn off if they’re cheap. Maybe it got messed up because I slept with him. Making mental notes for next time and I’d appreciate your perspective.

– Marcie

______________________

CARLOS ANSWERS:

Well, this is surely a hot topic when it comes to men, women, and dating.

Here’s how I feel about “The Bill” thing. (And I’m not talking about Clinton, either.)

If a guy asks you out, he pays.

You can counter offer to pay your part (that’s polite), but he would insist, and then you give in.

That’s “the dance.”

Now, on that note, he kinda failed on the first date. Not taking the check on the first date is a major gaffe.

Especially if he was gung-ho and organized the whole thing.

Later, he did the right thing, and probably realized he needed to, when he took you out and treated you to dinner.

But here’s the thing to keep in mind:

The modern media, along with rabid propaganda, have confused men completely on this topic.

Unless a guy had a dad as straightforward and clear on this topic as I did (very unlikely), it’s more likely that he’s not going to know what he’s supposed to do.

Think about all the mixed and confusing messages in the media about “enabled and empowered women.”

Yes, women are equal and have careers and all that, and SHOULD. But most guys are confused by the ‘inspirational‘ messages directed at women in magazines and movies.

They’re wondering:

– Do we pay?

– Would it offend her “liberated” sensibilities if I do?

– If she offers, what does that mean?

It’s crazy, and I don’t envy guys today in this situation. It kinda sucks.

I wish every guy everywhere in the world could be told that simple rule:

You ask, you pay. She counters, you insist.

Done Deal.

Women also need to understand the men’s side of this, too.

We men feel like we’ve got a floating bubble over our head with our income on it, and those dollar signs are all that women are looking for.

Yeah, a party weekend in the keys is going to hurt a little for a guy. So it probably will sting a little, which is why he had that unfortunate outburst.

(SIDE NOTE: On my first Valentine’s Day with my wife, Jen, we went to Acqua – a restaurant in San Francisco that specializes in V-day dinners. When the bill came, it was over $600, and somehow I managed to stifle (most of) my surprise. To this day, Jen and I joke that I’ve already paid for 10 years of V-day dinners.)

Yeah, he might have a bit of a cheap streak. If that’s a deal-killer for you, save yourself the effort right now and stop seeing him.

However, if you think the benefits outweigh the downside, then accept this quality of his (instead of scheming to fix it later) and just go forward.

Because you realize that no man is perfect… right?

Look, women need to realize that most guys ARE cheap. It’s our nature.

Here’s the kicker: so are most women.

So unless he’s a trust fund kid with millions to fund his champagne nights at clubs (and the rehab bill for when he develops a problem), he probably just grew up doing his best to make ends meet.

We’re just doing our best in this crappy economy to squeak out a living – like everyone else.

Women are – by far – the bargain hunters and the discount seekers.

You’re smart like that. Who wants to pay full price?

It’s just that when a guy feels like he’s a stock that’s being evaluated on a date instead of a human being that wants to be seen for his heart and soul instead of his bank balance, well – that makes him a bit more sensitive.

Especially when he’s further burdened by the expectation of paying the bill for something that could leave him high and dry.

Meaning: coming out with nothing at the end of it except a peck on the cheek and a “you’re so sweet.” Never to see her again.

So it’s a real act of faith for a guy to invest in a date with a woman when he isn’t entire sure she digs him.

We don’t need sex on the first date (and most guys actually DON’T want it, by the way. We know that it sabotages an actual relationship most of the time.)

We just want to know where we stand, the same as you do.

A date for a woman has a lot of expectations, too. Sure.

She’s gotta doll herself up and smile and be charming and listen to his boring stories and…

Sigh…

Okay, so what’s the point of this whole thing?

We BOTH have it crappy because of all this posturing and putting up fronts and expectations, and so on.

It would be a TON more easy if we could just talk about these things with the other person instead of having to go to our friends for opinions, or write Carlos at www.datingadviceguru.com. (Sorry, shameless plug there.)

So what do we do about this…?

First, cut him some more slack, and see how it goes. Maybe keep your eyes peeled for unacceptable cheap-ness.

But realize that in his heart of hearts, he doesn’t want to be cheap. He’s just doing his best to meet everyone’s expectations, trying to win over a woman while making a living.

And maybe his communication and consistency you mentioned outweigh his budget consciousness.

After all, which is going to ensure greater long-term relationship success for you two?

Just some food for thought… 😉

Yours in Perfect Passion,

Carlos Cavallo

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How to tell if a guy likes you

I’ve been answering quite a bit of some readers’ questions lately, and here’s one that caught my eye:

Hi Carlos, I bought two of your programs: Irresistible desire and Forever Yours.

I absolutely loved them and I learned a lot so thanks for that.

You rightly state that men are like rubber bands which is absolutely true. I used to get upset about it but now I just leave them alone and they came back .

But my problem is that they keep doing it: They contact me then they pull away then they contact me again.

So my question is: What do I actually do when they do text me back? Getting upset was not working but playing it cool as if nothing happened does not work either as then they keep doing it … so I am at a loss!!

On top of that what usually happens is that: I meet guys, they invite me out once or twice but then they start doing that “I appear/I disappear” texting game but they don t actually ask me out again.

So the question is how do I get them to either ask me out or leave me alone?

Keep in mind that I am Italian, so I am used to guys who are very masculine and active pursuer and that according to my American girlfriends I am a bit too passive when i text american guys.

However in a few occasions I pushed myself to be more active and initiated texting more, although I would not ask them out directly, but it still does not seem to change the dynamic, in fact I feel they do it even more …..

I asked directly a few guys and the answers I got were :

“You are tall, Italian and intimidating“
“I am just a shy guy“
“You sounded like you weren’t interested“
“I thought you just wanted to have fun“
“I thought I had to play games cause that is how it works with American girls”.

All these different replies have confused me even further!

Consider that somehow , although I am a very insecure person I attract men like honey attract bees so I have dated hundreds of guys. Therefore I am not basing this on a a few experiences and I am starting to think that there is something very wrong with me….

Please let me know what you think…

– Cristina

CARLOS ANSWERS:

Cristina, thanks for this great question. It’s one that plagues a lot of women who know – deep in their heart – that they are attractive, but can’t seem to understand why so many men get scared and run.

As an Italian guy, I can also relate to the cultural differences that some men and women find hard to understand as well.

It’s not always commitment phobia that makes men pull away, and it’s very rarely whatever reason he tells you.

One of the worst mistakes in dating and relationships is to listen to the words people say when they try to explain their actions.

We hear their words and we actually start to believe that they are able to tell us the real story of why they did what they did.

Keep in mind this rule of human behavior:

We make irrational, emotional decisions, and then we justify them with logic.

And men are just as guilty of this as women.

Take, for instance, the example of a guy who goes to the local electronics store, and he sees a new 2000 inch plasma supercharged flat panel 3D smart television that he HAS TO HAVE.

His heart skips a beat, and his palms start to sweat…

He’s imagining watching his favorite action movie on that new big screen. He can imagine the stunned – and jealous – faces of his friends as they see his new acquisition.

As he hands the cashier his Visa card, and the clerk goes back to the stock room to get the box, he starts to rationalize his impulsive decision to buy that $5000 monster.

RATIONALIZTION: “My ‘old’ flat screen was on its last legs anyways…” (Even though it’s only 2 years old.)

RATIONALIZATION: “This one has the interface and the new uber Gafluxionizer menu that connects to my Playstation…” (Which of course does nothing that he couldn’t do with a few extra keypresses of his old remote.)

RATIONALIZATION: “I can give that old television to my mom.” (Which sounds like a great way to justify anything, right? Just give the old one to mom.)

You see what happened there, right? How we took a gut emotional decision and reverse engineered it to sound pretty smart?

It’s the same process for a guy who really wants that cool new gadget, or that woman who tried on a really expensive pair of shoes that she just wanted to “see how they looked.”

When in fact, she was really hoping to fall in love with them and give herself the final push to buy them.

She knows that if she can create the right situation, she can just give up her credit card in an act of weakness.

And then she can come up with any old excuse as to why she just HAD to have those shoes.

The funny thing is that we can do this all day long, and still tell ourselves that we’re not doing it at all. We hypnotize ourselves that we have a perfectly valid justification for our wildly emotional decision.

Well, the truth is that guys often do this with women they’re afraid to date.

There’s a proverb that there’s two reasons we do something: The one we tell other people, and the REAL reason.

So these guys gave you some confusing – and distracting – reasons, but maybe it was this guy who revealed the real reason: “I’m just a shy guy”

That guy at least realizes that he was the one who failed to act.

But shyness is a pretty tame reason to not follow through with a woman you were interested to start something up with.

So maybe it’s really THIS guy:

“You are tall, Italian and intimidating”

Who is telling the truth about his fears.

After all many women are intimidating to some guys. And the reality is that we men don’t like to have our jobs stolen by the ladies.

Men sincerely are looking for *feminine* women to date and marry.

And I want to be clear that it’s not because we feel “threatened by empowered women” – or any of that nonsense.

It comes back to the simple desire that we guys really crave the embrace and experience of the raw feminine sexual energy that we desire so much.

(Bottom line is that men are attracted to women who are WOMEN… not women behaving like MEN.)

And here’s another reason that men pull the appear/disappear act you mention…

Some guys just like to play with the energy, but just don’t have the balls to jump in and risk playing the game.

The modern man has what I call “Scaredy Cat” game with women, where he doesn’t want to risk the possibility of rejection, so he keeps some women around as both validation and as a possibility for later.

His “consolation prize” is that he gets to admire from afar without risking.

But ultimately, it does come down to SOMETHING different in the way you’re handling these guys.

I went through a spell where women were constantly letting me get my foot in the door, feeling like I was getting a real romantic connection…

…until they slammed the door on me right before things got sexually intimate.

This happened about a dozen times, and had me to the point where I was screaming out the window of my Jeep on the way home from dates.

It seemed crazy that I could be running into women that did the same thing to me over and over.

It was like they had a giant conspiracy against me or something.

But then I realized what was common to all these situations. I discovered the one thing that was the same in all of them.

It was ME.

And when I finally figured it out, I was able to finally stop looking at THEM as being the problem. And – funny enough – it was when I stopped seeing THEM as the problem that I figured it all out.

Now you might think that my little story means that I think YOU are the problem, Cristina.

Truth is – I don’t know.

But I DO know the power of dynamics in dating between men and women.

We always have a part in creating the energy of our relationships. And we also play a part in repelling or pushing them away, too.

You might be “culturally handicapped” from being around more aggressive Italian guys. You might not be giving them the signals they need to let themselves jump into pursuit mode with you.

What I would recommend is that you take a long look at your text communications with these guys. And have a girlfriend of yours take a look, too.

Somewhere in there is a hint as to why they’re losing their nerve to pursue you.

And you’ll continue to discover more as you delve deeper into the Irresistible Desire and Forever Yours programs –

Where I reveal those signals men need to see to open up their hearts, fall head over heels for you, and worship the ground you walk on.

Click HERE to find out more…

Yours in Perfect Passion,

– Carlos Cavallo

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How to Please Your Man – Relationship Tips For Women

Today, I’ve got a letter that was sent in by one of the readers. I think it’s a common issue, and one you’ll be able to relate to.

Read on…and then read my answer.

QUESTION FROM A READER: Why doesn’t he take the Lead?

Carlos, I read all your emails, blogs and have ordered lots of material from you and other relationship guru’s.

I can honestly say I’m frustrated as it appears that most of if not ALL of the work on having a successful and loving relationship falls on the woman and what she should or shouldn’t do.

I find that utterly exhausting and honestly disappointing.

As if we don’t have enough to take care of already? jobs, family, etc.

I get it that men are simple, they don’t know how to express themselves and will easily put up walls and run for the hills for seemingly little things, but so what!?

It’s not any easier for women in any way and yet we still try our hardest to do what’s best for a man, usually before whats best for us.

Why isn’t the MAN taking the lead here as we were taught they should and learning what works for women as well?

Why is it that the woman is left to do most of the work and then has to sit back and wait to see if what she does or doesn’t do works?

It feels backwards and it seems we are being taught to manipulate a man by saying or doing this or that instead of just being ourselves “right or wrong” and be who we are innately made to be??

If I can’t get a man based on being myself then the work then becomes fixing myself if needed, but not to get a man, but rather to be a better person…

It just seems like a huge amount of work on the woman’s part and frankly we are TIRED from the minute we wake up from all the expectations and responsibilities we have and need the MAN to step up and take the pressure off of us, take some responsibility for making things work with us so that we can effectively be his helpmate like we were meant to be…

– Deanna B.

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CARLOS ANSWERS:

Well, Deanna, I hear the frustration you must have. It’s definitely a common complaint.

After all, how is a relationship supposed to work if both people don’t put in effort?

Let’s step back and look at things from a different perspective.

There’s a certain dynamic that plays out in all relationships, and it’s something we should review (especially when learning how to flirt with a man).

Keep in mind as I go through this that this is not set in stone, and we can flip-flop roles on occasion, but this is generally how we see things flow:

1) The man and woman meet. Through intention or happenstance, the spark of romance is struck.

2) The man initiates – usually asking her out on a date.

3) The woman accepts, and begins the role of the pursued.

4) The man, discovering that there is a possibility of romance – not to mention sex – begins the pursuit.

5) The woman – as she discovers the sincerity of his interests in her, allows him closer and closer.

6) At some point, sex happens. This is the stage often called “limerance” – where the couple is engulfed in the novelty and passion of a new relationship.

7) The uncertainty of just “dating” gives way to love and a more long-term bond.

8) If the two are compatible, they will usually stay together as a couple and stop dating others. Now they are “exclusive” – or “monogamous.”

9) As the relationship continues, the woman looks for more commitment from him. If this is paced well between them, and there’s no major imbalance of love for each other, the commitment will naturally occur.

But if the woman is more focused on the need for a certain level of commitment from the man (“where is this going?” – engagement, marriage), sometimes commitment can seem like a hurdle and an obstacle.

Sometimes this is due to the man acting more aloof, making the woman more anxious. This then can create a “downward spiral” where she feels like he’s distant, tries to pull him closer, which then freaks him out and creates more distance.

Sometimes the pattern can be broken and the anxiety brought under control, but most times it becomes a real issue. Even women who think they know how to seduce a man run into these relationship issues.

Sometimes this is due to each of them having different expectations for the relationship.

(See my complete explanation of this in Forever Yours – The Secret Password To His Heart.)

Whatever the reason, the relationship now feels like he’s not putting any effort in, and she’s doing all the work to keep it together.

It feels like he was taking the lead (starting the chase), but now that he’s got what he wanted, he isn’t working on things anymore.

And there will be a shift of responsibility at this point, a natural shift that makes the woman the steward of the relationship.

If you resent him for his lack of relationship ability here, that won’t lead to where you want to go, either.

Very often the loving feelings will cycle up and down, creating a tumultuous experience for each of you. That is, until you can realize how “love” really works.

Let me explain… You said:

“It just seems like a huge amount of work on the woman’s part and frankly we are TIRED from the minute we wake up from all the expectations and responsibilities we have and need the MAN to step up and take the pressure off of us, take some responsibility for making things work with us…”

Which is the way a great many women feel.

But what would you say if you knew that men also say the exact same thing?

Men are also exhausted from working every waking minute on all the expectations and responsibilities placed on him as a man.

You’d probably say – “But he’s not doing anything! How can he be tired?”

It may feel that way for you in the relationship, but men are working just as hard, but on other things. They feel they’re working on their part of the relationship, that is not recognized by women.

Yet another study (YAS?) claims that women immerse themselves in their romantic relationships, while men tend to put their partners on an equal but distant footing.

Most of these studies show that – generally speaking – women *appear* to be more invested in their relationships than men.

And that their happiness and well-being is more dependent upon how things are going in their intimate relationships.

After all, who is the one who (usually) recognizes that things in the relationship aren’t going well?

The woman.

Who is it that typically seeks therapy or professional help with the relationship?

The woman.

Who is it that mostly spends time on websites, going to seminars, reading self-help books and asking dating gurus like Carlos for advice?

Women.

Does this mean that men don’t care about relationships?

No.

This means that men are simply not wired to treat relationships the same way.

Here’s my advice on guys:

First off, let’s accept up front that men and women are different.

Yes, we’re human beings, but in our distinctly different brains – we are very different in behaviors and drives. Neither side is any more “right” or “wrong” – we’re just different.

Women are biologically hard-wired to be the nurturers. We usually accept this as a given.

Women are the ones with the skills to anticipate the needs of their partners, as well as take care of the relationship. She will also do the analysis and send up an alert when things have gone awry.

Men, on the other hand, are more biologically wired to be the protectors and providers. It’s not that the relationship isn’t important to us, it’s just that we show it in different ways.

Men demonstrate commitment by working hard to provide money and put food on the table, establishing a career – and maintaining an emotional distance.

It’s that last one that will freak out most women reading this.

Why does a man keep an emotional distance?

He does it to ensure the stability and foundation of the relationship that can endure.

If he were to be as emotionally involved in the relationship, it would make it difficult for him to accomplish the things he must do to fulfill his other expectations.

Sure, you may ask yourself, “How can I change him? How can I get him to be more involved in our relationship?”

This is a typical question I get from women when they ask relationship advice from me. And here’s how I see it…

I say, you can’t – and you shouldn’t — so don’t even try. Behaving as if you want him to change is what typically makes most men feel like they’re not accepted, and then this alienation will push him away.

Before you fall into hopeless despair, stay with me…

Try this analogy on for size:

Let’s pretend I drive a big gas-guzzling Hummer SUV. One of those vehicles that just screams – “Bad gas mileage!”

Now, let’s pretend that I”m going to drive this SUV around San Francisco. If you’ve ever been here, you’ll know that finding a parking spot is about as rare as panning for gold, much less one that could handle this beast.

If I were to expect that Hummer to A) be cheap to drive, and B) easy to park, I would be disappointed every day of my life.

If I want that from just about any SUV, really, I’m just fooling myself.

I should get a mini Cooper, or a Prius, or some other tiny car that will get better gas mileage, and fit in much smaller spaces.

The Hummer just can’t give that to me.

But it does give me other benefits:

– Safety
– Reliability
– Comfort

The nature of men in relationships is no different than this. Men can’t be like another woman to you, but we can be all the things you appreciate and are attracted to in MEN.

We aren’t ever going to change to become more “feminine” in relationships. Just like dogs aren’t going to act like cats, we are going to stay true to our nature.

In fact, being a bit too “sensitive” is one of the signs of a man who is likely to be difficult to stay attracted to.

One of the biggest mistakes women make is to expect men to meet all their needs through their love relationship.

It does sound romantic and very Walt Disney, but it isn’t at all realistic.

As you mature and get more experience in love and dating, you realize that this is one of the most damaging myths of relationships.

A man can provide many things, but you should watch out for the expectation of him being able to provide you with a “feminine” love style that he’s just not capable of.

HOWEVER – Men are fully capable of learning and improving in relationships, and we do.

When we feel safe in our relationship with our woman, we will grow beyond those innate qualities.

We will strive to meet your needs as well.

We might not always succeed, but we’ll keep trying as long as we feel the woman in our life is genuine – and that she understands us without having to change us.

Trust me when I tell you that there are expectations of how we men would like women to express their love that often goes unmet in the relationship as well.

So both sides often find themselves going “But why cant he/she just…”

I did a thought exercise once that helped me immensely with this dilemma. Let me share it with you:

If you knew that you would never get exactly what you desire from men, what would you do?

Would you give up on men completely?

Stop dating and become a recluse?

OR would you find a way to work with the limitations you were given to create the kind of relationship that could fulfill you?

After I asked these questions of myself – about women – I had some breakthroughs in the way I saw my relationships.

Very often it’s the unrealistic expectations we put on relationships that dooms them to failure – because we never really accurately understood what love and a loving relationship is really supposed to do for us.

The Hollywood Myth of love is strong.

It’s rare that someone explains how this ideal is not only crippling to our ability to become that better person you mentioned, it’s unhealthy to our self-esteem.

For many people, this understanding I’ve just shared is disillusioning – and as you said “depressing.” In fact, some of the women who read this will flat out reject it.

But once you work through it, you will come out on the other side – liberated from the mistaken ideals we learned as kids.

And it’s then that you’ll be able to take the next step toward creating the relationship that fulfills you in ways you hadn’t imagined before…

Let me help you get there faster – CLICK HERE to get started…

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Why Men Pull Away

I want to talk with you about crossing that gender divider for a minute to come over to the guy side. I want to talk to you about what it’s like for guys on the other side of the fence and how we think and what’s going through our minds.

I’m sure that’s something you’re curious about.

You’re wondering, “What is going through his meaty little head? Why is he so confusing?”

Well, the reality is he’s really not that confusing if you know how simple we actually think. We often look for a lot more meaning behind something than is actually there.

One of the things that social anthropologists have figured out about the difference between men and women is that women very often look for much more meaning behind the words.

The reason guys do this is actually very practical, it’s because most of the women that he grew up with and most of the girls he socialized with did kind of hide the meaning behind what they really meant.

Because, unfortunately, as a woman you couldn’t be as direct.

Directness in a woman is not a rewarded trait.

When you’re a kid, if you’re too direct, well, you’re thought of as being the “difficult girl” or the “bitchy girl” – or pretty much the one that “stood out.” It was a non-desirable trait in a woman, let’s say it that way.

Being up-front and direct didn’t go well with other girls so you had to be a smooth talker.

You had to be socially savvy and to smooth out the wrinkles – AND stay political in your dealings with other girls.

As a result, what happened was you knew that other girls were hiding things under their words. They rarely said exactly what they meant.

And you had to be very careful how you pried information out. They weren’t giving up all the goods.

Now, what this means to most women is that you grew up thinking EVERYBODY is like that. That guys are like that.

That we’re somehow hiding a lot of information behind our words. Sometimes we are, because we don’t want to hurt a woman’s feelings.

But most times, we say pretty much exactly what we’re thinking and feeling.

That’s like a primary drive for men: we want to make you happy.

So we may not be as direct sometimes, and sometimes we’ll just white lie our way through a situation to avoid confrontation.

But that’s not something you need to be concerned about because once a guy is IN the relationship with you, generally speaking, guys will most often tell you exactly what they’re thinking.

Now, I’ve given a much more detailed analysis of the different times when a guy does hold back a little bit on the truth and when you should be looking further into his words, and I talk about that in the Connection Code.

It’s one of my banner products for those of you that are looking to have a better relationship and really create a connection with a man:

Now, what I want to show you are the things that make guys freak out when we’re dating and what occasionally throws us for a loop. This is good information for you to know because you’ll be aware what some of our sore spots are.

Now, here’s some of the things we worry about:

– “What if she’s not that impressed with us?”

– “What if she’s not impressed with me?”

– “Should I maybe show off some pictures of my karate championship trophies, or stuff like that?”

We don’t want to disappoint women, and we don’t even know necessarily what it is you even like about us. We wonder how do we play ourselves up and how do we impress you as well as avoid disappointing you with the things that we can’t do well.

So we worry – what if you’re not impressed with us? What if you don’t find us interesting enough to be sexually attracted to?

Another thing we worry about is the conversation during the date.

Such as, what if my best joke doesn’t really get you to laugh? There’s nothing worse for us than the thought of that pregnant pause or the uncomfortable silence after somebody tells a joke and the other person doesn’t find it all that funny.

It’s basically one of the most traumatic things that the guy can experience on a date.

He doesn’t want to experience that, but he’s going to try anyway, so he’s got that fear running through his head.

What if he’s got to go pee in the middle of dinner? He’s going to leave you for a minute, and what if he has to do it more than once because he’s got “nervous bladder syndrome.”

What’s that going to do? What kind of impression is that going to make for you?

Believe it or not, yeah, we wonder about that.

We worry about being stood up.

This is a huge one for guys. We definitely do not want to be sitting at a restaurant petrified at making eye contact with anybody including our waiter because we got stood up.

She didn’t show up for the date, and then we got to try and play it off like, “Oh yeah, I didn’t think she’s going to show up anyway.”

Now, that’s a huge one for us, getting stood up is awful for a guy. It’s terrible.

This is the same as it is for women.

What if she happens to bring up her ex-boyfriend? Yikes.

Or what if I accidentally talk about my ex-girlfriend? Oh.

Or what if one of them shows up at the restaurant? Aah!

There’s nothing worse than having basically nothing to talk about, but actually even worse than that is having to hear about or talk about an ex-boyfriend of hers that she’s clearly not gotten over yet.

Which tells us right off the bat we’re not getting anywhere and this date is basically a therapy session.

Or we both end up going on and on about our ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend and it turns out to be a mutual therapy session instead of a date. It’s not cool.

But that’s one that you can help with by NOT bringing up your ex. Just leave him out of the picture. He doesn’t need to be there.

What if we take you to a restaurant and the restaurant is more expensive than we expect? Or you ordered a lobster?

On Yelp, it’s one of those five dollar sign restaurants, and we feel our wallet emptying. We are fully intending to pick up the check, but you know what, NOT every guy is made out of money.

And if he’s out there on the dating scene, he’s a little cost conscious.

I mean, he’s not intending to be cheap, but he’s just got to keep in mind that he’s got to be able to afford his own hobbies, his own life.

And he’s got to be able to court women – most of whom he may never see again!

We get used to that as guys. Our math is that for every ten dates we go out on, who knows… MAYBE one of those turns into a one night stand or at least a short-term girlfriend, but those are ten dates we’ve got to spend upwards of $75 or more on depending on the restaurant you go to.

Then we worry about, “Oh, how much should we drink?

Should we drink a little? Should we drink a lot?

How much is enough? How much is enough to make it socially lubricated and interesting enough for you?”

Should we match whatever you’re drinking because you’re probably going to be nervous too?

Could we get so drunk that the date is actually no longer awkward?

What will happen if we have to run off and puke?

Would we get so drunk that we’re going to do a one night stand that neither one of us remembers?

Yeah, so we worry about the drinking situation.

What about the condom?

Oh yeah, a guy’s got to carry a condom because it’s his responsibility even though, yes, more and more today women do carry their own protection with them.

Guys don’t want to look cocky or that he’s being presumptuous if he flashes you his Trojan-Ribbed-for-her-pleasure sticking out of your wallet.

But we also don’t want to also be without one, just in case. So we’ve got to be careful about showing that telltale ring silhouette in our wallet.

Next worry: How do I look?

Did I dress myself up correctly here?

Does it look like my mom did this?

What does this shirt say about me as a person?

That’s a crazy thing we have to worry about, but it’s one that women can relate to.

We have to actually try and think about what women interpret things because we do know that women look at our appearance with a lot of scrutiny. We do our best, and we probably never do well enough, but we try.

Another thing we worry about when it comes to dating is: What is the best way to ask somebody out without sounding like a creepy stalker dude?

Or on the other hand, sound like he doesn’t really care that much, so he doesn’t sound too needy. He doesn’t want to sound too nonchalant either, so how do we walk that line?

When we find somebody that we’re totally into, asking her out is a whole other question for guys because we don’t want to risk that rejection. It’s big, Big, BIG deal with guys.

The rejection issue is a killer of confidence – so we’ve got to figure out how soon do we ask her out – and how long do we wait?

Do we avoid saying anything for sometimes years, like some guys do?

Or do we ask her immediately?

Do we get her phone number and then we text her a lot and then try and build a connection?

And then we think, “Okay, do I ask her out when I text her or should I call her up and text her … or should I maybe send her a note in a bottle or maybe a delivery boy can stick it in her Chinese food?”

The options here are just unbelievably complicated, and of course, they stress us out.

Then we worry about YOU.

We worry “Maybe this chick might be like not so hot or maybe she’s not so interesting.”

When I say “not so hot,” I don’t mean appearance, like she’s not what we thought she was or she’s not that attractive or wasn’t as attractive as we thought on first impression. She isn’t as bubbly or giggly or cute.

We’re going to see those parts of her that may not be all that attractive. So we worry about, “What if we’re wasting our time?”

That first impression that we thought was great, well, that was a complete fluke, or maybe we were both just too drunk to really notice any difference.

Then we worry about whether or not we’re really going to be compatible or we’re really going to be interested in each other.

We even worry about, when it comes to the end of that date, do we kiss her?

SHOULD we kiss her?

Should we try for a hug?

Or if I do kiss her, what happens when I do?

Am I going to forget how to do it?

Am I going to be a total slob about it?

That whole idea of the first kiss with a certain person is such an awkward moment that your brain basically blacks everything out.

Have you noticed that? I call it “first kiss blackout.”

It’s where you go for the kiss, you don’t even realize what happened until after you pull away and you’re like, “Oh, was that good?”

You don’t know because your mind blotted it out. You don’t want to face the reality so you’re going to have to basically try out an old skill all over again with a new person.

Of course, it’s something that comes naturally with somebody that you’ve been with for a while, but the first time with somebody new… holy geez, it’s scary!

Last but not least, there is that ultimate overriding fear of everything which is:

What if we don’t get another date with this girl?

I mean, there’s a kind of twisted relief we men feel when we reach that moment on a date and we get to leave. We get to walk home or walk back to our car and realize, “Wheew, thank God it’s over.”

Sometimes – and this is even more neurotic – We know we’re never going to see each other again… and actually it feels good! Even when we liked you.

It feels like you’ve just got off a roller coaster and you can finally relax. It might have been a little touch and go there for a while, but we survived.

That’s not such a bad situation.

Well – there is another worry.

What we worry the most about is the prospect that the date goes well, and that means we’ve got to ask for a second date – and we’ve got to do this whole thing all over again. What if we get another date and what if all these things happen all over again?

So do you see how that mental stress compounds for a guy?

It’s mixed up and it makes our dating life, I wouldn’t say miserable, but it definitely makes it much more neurotic and anxiety-ridden than it needs to be.

But there’s an effective way to take all those negative, stressful emotions out of the equation. And that’s understanding what makes a guy tick to cut through the confusion.

My new course will show you exactly how to do that <– Click HERE to learn more

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